This is the sincerely the most epic video I’ve ever seen. I used to do animation so I can imagine how much work went into this. I hope YT paid the animator like $8 million dollars.

Shouts to YT Shouts to DG

I know every male in this industry owns at least one Fleshlight. If you don’t have one, you can get a bargain on one from BB Wolfe. I hear he sells them used. In bulk too.

Wank Game Proper

So you’re pounding your pud, day in and day out, but you feel unsatisfied.

“How come I don’t get the satisfaction of beating my meat like I used to? When I was a young teen, it used to be fun. Now it’s mundane and boring. It feels like a chore!” Fuck it, I can’t even count to 7 in one second.

What’s missing?

As affiliates, we’re all about the numbers!

That’s right ladies and gents – now choking your chicken can be a competition!

Introducing the Onahole

The Onahole is basically your run-of-the-mill Fleshlight, but with a twist! This thing actually counts your “strokes.”

Leave it up the Japanese to come up with this downright, dirty shit.

Hiroshi ‘Chocoball’ Mukai—former professional wrestler, current male pornographic star, and eternal hero to all ‘wankers’ worldwide—set a world record of 426 strokes in one minute.

- Sourced from another review

Can you beat that? Probably not. That’s like 7 strokes a second. I had to bust out a calculator for that. I don’t think I can clap my hands that fast.

Playing Call of Duty is for nerds! Have a stroke-off with your friends.

Put your stroke count on your Plenty of FIsh profile. The ladies love that shit!

Tell your disappointed parents that you reached a new personal best in stroking! They’ll forget about trying to get you to move out of their basement. Make ‘em proud, sailor!

Finally! An excuse to open my jar of Slap Happy Cream sent courtesy of AKMG.

On your marks…
Get Set….
Beat Beat Beat!

Thanks to Convert2Steve for this tip. He says he “heard about it on the radio.” Don’t worry, the offer will be live by the end of the week. Ruck is still doing some “Get the fuck out of my office! I’m testing it!”

This may be relevant to some peoples’ interests.

Demand Media Patent

I haven’t read it, I’m just posting it.

That is all.

Barman Note:Normally I don’t do guest posts (since I never ask anyone to do it. But if you want to hit me up. It should be either good, funny, or full of drama if you want it posted)

Finch put out a “tweet” yesterday asking to guest post on peoples blogs. Out of all the people begging for his writing-love, he chose me!

He chose me! :: swoons::

Anyway, Finch is a blogger / affiliate marketer / drunkard from across the pond. Read his blog if you’re not already it’s kind of good. On to the post…

Saving “FML America”

This is a post about building trust in an industry where most of us sold the only ounce of it we had when we took our shoes off at the door.

I know what you’re thinking. Trust is so 2003. Who needs the fickle fancy of a returning customer when you can just scam his entire family and exploit the anorexic goddaughter in to an overdose of berries while you’re at it?

Trust is important, that’s why

And yet the only thing you can trust in this industry is that most people think you’re a lying, scheming, money-grabbing son of a bitch. Also referred to as an “affiliate marketer” by those who like their shit to smell of roses.

Affiliate marketing capitalizes on what I like to refer to as “FML America”. We’ve erected small empires of fortunes out of convincing people that they need to lose weight fast, that they need a girlfriend tonight, that they need to reverse the unnatural effects of age.

If you want to make a change in your life for the better, there’s a good chance we can sell you something that’ll change your life for the worse. But something has happened in the last year. What do we know about niches like dieting, teeth whitening, bizopp and muscle building?

1. There’s a demand to cure FML America. People want to lose weight, have whiter teeth, work shorter hours. You probably bought your last motor on the back of this demand.

2. There’s a lot of negative press associated with the solutions on the market.

Like an oil spill that’s slowly dirtied the waters, affiliate marketing has slowly but surely pissed off the consumer massive. No longer does Mary-Jo want to fit in to her new dress in time for summer. She simply wants her money back and 3 rounds with the bastard in Delhi who keeps cutting her off over customer service.

These people had dreams and through a combination of misleading advertising and their own retarded expectations, they’re still no closer to them. But FML America will learn to buy again.

You can get these people on your side. You can get them buying from you. All it takes is a little trust and some strategic reputation building.

There’s a huge gap in the market. How many people do you think *actually* achieved their goals with the acai berries for example? Not many, right? That means they’re still out there. They’re waiting for the next offer to arrive on their doorstep that’s too good to be true. The market hasn’t shrunk, it’s just been burnt.

This is where I’d recommend that it’s time to engage in a little reverse engineering. As affiliate marketers, we have access to almost every trick in the book. In the same way that we can piss off the general consumer public, we can become the darling voice of truth that helps them to avoid another canceled credit card. If we wanted to be.

I had a conversation not too long ago with a girl who was keen to try one of the notorious “home income bizopp” courses. She’d been sold the pipe dream, which is quite awkward to witness first hand I can assure you. Obviously I reintroduced her to her senses and talked her out of such an investment. And just like that, I instantly had her trust.

I could have probably recommended any other online bizopp course to her and she’d have snapped at the bait. Because I’d saved her from something she knew nothing about. I didn’t, I’m not that much of a dickhead. But it’s a perfect illustration of how your affiliate experience can be used to work the classic bait and switch in your favor.

STEP 1 – Find a product in Niche X that actually works. Something worth it’s value.

STEP 2 – Find lots of products in Niche X that leave a bitter taste in the mouth.

To earn respect and trust, you simply have to build a site that targets the pissed off, the cynical, the angry and the downright “Never Gonna Be Scammed Again I Dun Goofed” Mary-Jos of the world. These people were naive once, and they know it.

You can become the messiah of the FML America masses, simply by exposing the bullshit that goes on in affiliate marketing and offering a solution that actually works. I’m not talking about becoming Dennis Yu. The “offering a solution that actually works” is key.

Let’s think practical examples. PPV is pretty hot, right? Why not dump a pop-up on every single acai LP and ask people to opt-in to read about why the acai berries will lose them money rather than lose them love handles. This trick has been used already. But most people simply bait and switch to….another acai offer. You might as well just kill kittens for a living.

Instead, why not educate your audience on why the acai berry diet is the biggest scam under the sun. Rub it in their faces that YOU saved them from that canceled credit card. Build up their trust, before hitting them with weight loss offers that actually stand a chance in hell of working.

Most affiliates will continue to promote bullshit offers because bullshit offers are more rewarding in their pocket. But they only last as long the voice of discontentment stays quiet. If you take a look at the various consumer complaint forums on the web, you’ll get a first hand view of the false promises and the shattered dreams of these misguided mopes who’ve been lead astray.

Can you imagine the trust you’d have gained instantly with Google Money Tree users if they’d been able to read your blistering expose before they plugged their credit card details in to the system? I’m willing to bet they’d opt in to any list you threw at them simply on the back of you being an expert in your field.

There’s no easier way to build a list of potential customers than by shepherding them away from potential scams. You can become the guru of gurus. The first choice authority in your niche. And it’s all thanks to being aware of the bullshit that goes down in our industry.

Closing Thoughts

Oh hey it’s Barman again.

I have a few gripes with this post. First off Finch, aren’t you from England and shit? What do you know about FML America? Don’t you know Americans love being abused and coerced into false hope? It’s hope you can believe in!

I also have a gripe with this being “easier said than done.”

Step 1: Find a product in Niche X that actually works. Something worth it’s value

You can certainly play the “this is a scam angle” and make people believe you’re the messiah. And you can certainly get a lot of people to come to your site or join your list. But what the fuck are you gonna sell them? If it’s not an affiliate offer, then what is it? Truth About Abs e-book in diet? Have fun with 9 cent EPCs!

If there was an affiliate offer out there that worked awesome for the buyer AND it payed affiliates a shit-ton, then wouldn’t we just be promoting that in the first place?

All kidding aside, good post and this ploy can work well IF you actually do have something better to offer these customers.

That’s my opinion and I’m stickin’ to it.

I love you Finch.

Now, we all know that I don’t care for gurus and people that make their living selling Warrior Forum Special Offers (If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically e-book peddling on Warrior forum.)

Pushing decent information onto newbies and retards – fine, but pushing shitty, rehashed information onto newbies, that’s just being a bottom-feeding scumbag.

I was introduced to Imran Naseem’s “work” a few months ago by a friend. I chuckled as I saw Imran get furious over someone talking shit about him because he sells garbage to newbies, and it turned into some flame war with lawsuit threats and such.

There has never been a bigger joke in the wanna-be guru space than Imran Naseem. How does he do it?

The Turd Polishing Formula

Guru has big product launch with, believe it or not, good content (Guaher for example.) Many read it, and most won’t make money with said guru product launch. So some decide that they can make money by taking that information, rehashing it, and selling it as there own. (The “Coach” series)

And then there are people who take that rehashed information, rehash it some more, and sell it. Such people are Imran Naseem.

Want to replicate this award winning formula?

Required Skills

The most important personal quality to have is to not actually be an expert, or even a novice, in any of the fields you write about in your e-books. This would be backlink building, making money with Youtube, CPA marketing, making money with dating, Facebook, blackhat, CPALead, flipping websites…. well fuck, anything!

The second important quality to have is knowing how to find shit to steal. This can be accomplished by getting a 5k+ post count on Warrior Forum so you’re an “expert” and can get “review copies plz,” or reading marketing forums like BlackHatWorld and finding a “how-to” or tutorial on making money online.

Once you’ve found something that someone has had success with, you can put it in your e-book. This is where the third quality to have comes in. It’s knowing how to polish your turds!

Someone says they make $100 a day with this strategy? Your product will make them $200! Someone makes $3,000 a month flipping websites? Your product will teach them how to make $10,000 a month!

It’s all about salesmanship! If you feel bad about all these empty promises, then a try using some gay ass graphics.

Step by Step

Let’s cut to the chase. Here is the step-by-step formula.

1. Find Content to Steal – As mentioned above, this is the most important step. Since you’re very unoriginal, finding content that you can rehash and sell is your life blood.
2. Polish Your Turd – Copy paste a forum post or e-book, and put it into your own PDF. Clean up the formatting so it’s not obvious you’re stealing, and change some words around.
3. The Sales Copy – Fake stats by using the same “look at my paypal account go!” screenshots for every product you launch. Yes, even though you may have had success with something back in 2008, you can still re-use these stats for each new launch, no matter how irrelevant.

If you’re having trouble with this, its very easy to fake your stats with plugins like Firebug that let you edit HTML on the fly.

And if you’re even too stupid to figure out how to use a Firefox plugin, just steal Imran’s screenshots! I’ve attached one here for your convenience.

Just look at all those zeros!

Pro-tip: If you want to sell more copies of your e-book, then a good rule-of-thumb to follow is that your Sales Letter should be longer than the actual content of your PDF.

4. Sell it on Warrior Forum & DP, Limit Your Copies – This is scarcity 101! The first 50 people get it for $9. The second 50 people get it for $47. The next 50 get it for $77. So on and so forth. Using scarcity is a ploy that works lovely with online marketing newbies.

And of course you want to sell your product on Warrior Forum and Digital Point, which has a seemingly endless supply of suckers.

5. Sell Only 17 Copies – It’s a week later, and you’ve only sold 17 copies of your product, which is typical when you’re selling shit.

You’re made $153 for all this work, and you feel defeated. “What a bust!” you think to yourself. Most people would stop here and give up on online marketing.

Not Imran Naseem!

Listen, pro bottom feeders don’t give up. No, people like Imran have been doing this for years!

6. Bonus Step 1 – Rinse and Repeat There is just so much content out there to steal, and so many retards on Warrior Forum, that you’d be stupid to not repeat this process for every promotion method, traffic source, and strategy you can think of!

Examples:
Blackhat Buzz Method!
Youtooooobe!
CPA!
Facebook!
DOMAINERS!

ANY-FUCKING-THING! REALLY! YOU DON’T NEED TO BE AN EXPERT IN SHIT!

7. Bonus Step 2 – Sell It On Flippa! This where the profits really roll in!

Let’s say your half-assed product launch goes well. You make $2,500 the first month. The second month you made $500, and the third month about $100. Months 4 through 6 you’ve sold jack shit. Your content is stale and no one really cares about. Worthless huh?

Nope! Not on Flippa!

Set-up a listing for your product, and when it asks you for your “Average Monthly Revenue” just use the revenue numbers from the first month! IT’S FUCKING GENIUS! LOOK!

Ready. Set. Super Scumbag.

I’ve laid out the plan for you in plain English folks. It’s up to you to take action! Imran has been ripping peoples content and selling his shit for too long! It’s time for some new bottom-feeders to take his place!

Take action!!!

Parting Gift: Horrific Rap about Imran

Before you leave, I present to you this horrible rap from / about Imran Naseem.

AND HER DAD

ISN’T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT!

another joint from dully

I dunno, I just got an email about another penny stock offer and I became compelled to write this.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what goes into a penny stock offer, but there are a few out there. Affiliates see an easy lead gen and push it, and all is well in the world. The advertiser, by all means, can be using the data wisely and within the law.

But when you’re dealing with stocks, you should know about a little old hustle called pump and dump.

I’m just saying the SEC can come down on motherfuckers pretty fierce (although, it can’t protect us from bankers. Like most government agencies, it has been gutted, bought, and sold [see EPA and natural gas],[see MMS and Gulf Oil Spill])

Waaaaaaaaah! Waaaaah My America!

Even though the SEC can’t protect the public treasury (your taxes) being robbed by the richest few (the ultra-wealthy in the financial industry), they can go after easier targets like some nerd in his moms basement.

And, theoretically, if some shit goes down where everybody is promoting it (see: berries)(then see: current networks emails pumping up penny offers), and if all that data is being abused (see: pump and dump), and it becomes a problem where mad people are complaining – THEN some shit would go down. The SEC would fuck shit up and send people to jail.

Well, that’s the worst case scenario. I would fear the SEC more than the FTC.

BUT! But!

If a year down the line, all of this shit comes true, here is where I say “I called it.”

Just don’t get too greedy kids.

/end boogie man.

It was all a dream,
I used to read Feedfront magazine

Nerdcore Rap star extraordinaire and science-loving friend YTCracker graces the cover of the next Feedfront. Could this be the first issue of Feedfront that you won’t throw in the trash at the next Affiliate Summit?

At the very least, rip out his interview and post it on your shrine to STC.

Heil Digital Gangster!

I don’t know why everyone’s riding Mr. Green’s Nuts about his 1 penny tip. This shit is so old, when people used Adwords they did it.

Like, is this really a tip? Are people that fucking dumb they only use the default bid recommendations, and don’t move their bids around to see what works best?

Anyway, since everyone is raving about this 1 penny tip on PoF, I present to you ….

The 2 Penny Tip

To get better position than all the people using Mr. Green’s 1 Penny Tip, I encourage you to bid in 2 penny increments. This way, you are smarter than ALL the newbies AND the “cowboys.”

Enjoy.

He will go down as one of the most successful people in social meejia.

Business Model
1) Jack other peoples game ideas 2007
2) Get profitable quickly (see video) 2008, 2009
3) Have staggering growth, Get investors 2009, 2010
4) …..
5) Get invested in by Google. 2010
6) Profit?