Archive for the ‘Making Money Online’ Category

Sam Benjamin Sucks $3 Million Dollars Worth of Cock

April 4th, 2011

I’m not sure how Sam Benjamin got all of his “wealth,” but I’m sure it involved a ton of cock-sucking and handjobs in decrepit rest stop bathrooms. Even though that’s a pretty disgusting way to make a living, Sam Benjamin seems happy enough (barely) with his life, so he’s going to tell you how to replicate his success in just 10 easy strokes!

Seriously, I could spend another few hours writing a post about this, but I don’t really have that kind of dedication. I think I need a blank template setup, so I can mock gurus in a fraction of the time. It seems to be what the Clickbank “make money online” crowd does. Just come up with the a name for your info product, put up a landing page from a fake stats swipe file, and be on your way to riches!

If you’re dying for a post though, you can take the the review I just fucking wrote about Commission Hijack, replace the word “Hijack” with “Takers,” and it would be about 98% accurate. EVERYTHING IS DONE FOR YOU!

Commission Takers – Get AIDS and die. The noticeable trend I’ve been seeing in the guru spam box has been Who’s got the bigger dick?. “Look! The stupid bullshit you keep buying from other ‘gurus’ is the reason you’re poor! I make more! Just look at my stats! Those other guys are lying- so buy my stupid bullshit instead!”

Fucking disgusting.

If you buy Commission Takers and by some miracle of God, don’t make $10,000 a day, you should report the product to the FTC for false advertising. Oh yeah, I’m going there.

Listen You Fucking Failure – My Commission Hijack Review

March 31st, 2011

(If someone could make a mirror of this iit’d be good for internet history)

Click here to get your commissions hijacked

People always share dumb shit like this with me, and everyone haha’s and lol’s. But once in a while there is that shining turd in a pile donkey droppings worth writing about. Commission Hijack is one of them.

Riveting Tales of Rags to Riches

The setting is a serene beach. A master of marketing is laying in his wicker lounge chair enjoying the warm rays of the sun. “Life’s good being a guru,” he thinks to himself. On his left, two ladies model for him in neon bikinis and on his right lay the pile of money and stats.

But he yearns for more. Selling the dream of super easy online money to the internet’s largest collection of dumbshits, blogger moms, possibly pedophiles, butt-ends of most internet marketing jokes and their ilk is just too much easy money!

“I need to do a guru launch. I’ll have to put a unique spin on it because everything has been seen before. What to do? Since I don’t know shit about actual online marketing, the pitch will have to be the product. Sell the sizzle not the steak. I gotta make it easy for the dumb fuckers that buy it too. One button. I definitely gotta make it simple- just push a button and you will profit. Good, but what’s the spin? What’s the angle?

I got it! I’ll just demoralize them so badly they’ll cry while pulling out their wallet.”

And that’s how the thought process goes or so I think.

97% of Affiliates make No Commissions Ever

The Commission Hijack video starts off with someone who sounds like John Oliver, telling it like it is. Tom Tyler channels the power of the great Billy Mays by yelling right in your fucking face. Listen motherfucker! If you’re not paying attention now, i’ll shit down your neck!

YOU ARE A FUCKING FAILURE SO LISTEN TO ME! You bought some make money online product, because the sales page sold you on the easy living. You thought your life as a Digital Point good for nothing shit-elf can end! No more Dollar menu for the family! The key to internet riches is here! You’re just a few mouse clicks away from money-lol’ing all the way to the bank!

Wrong! Even with magic push-button software, 97% of affiliates fail. Nearly every online marketer makes not a single dollar in commissions pitching their products or someone else’s shitty products. How sad is that? But that’s the way they want it to be (“they” being people who are Tom Tyler).

AND WHILE WE’RE YELLING AT EVERYONE- How about people who can’t figure out how to make money online stop calling themselves affiliates? How about once you make more than Nick Throlson dollars a day (its actually an astronomical number), you get a gold sticker or something and can call yourself an affiliate. The bar has been set pretty low. All you have to do is join an affiliate network (which apparently in most circles of scum is rather difficult) and you’re throwing the term around like you got crowned prince?

What’s the Problem? Why do affiliates fail?

The problem is they’re pushing too many buttons. The Commission Hijack system is only about one button- the ON button.

That’s fucking right buddy! The first step is to turn on your computer. All you have to do is figure out how to push the ON button! “Gee Tom, that sounds hard…” “It’s not! Just push the biggest circle thing you can find on your computer box!” Wow, it’s like they’re giving the system away!

No Website. No Work. No Effort.
How would that make you feel?

Well Tom Tyler, that’d make me feel like a damn fool because all this time I have been building websites, working hard, and putting in effort.

It sucks too because I’ve been wasting my life on crap like this:

Yes, forget about Pay Per Click, a multi billion dollar industry that drives the internet. You’re such a fucking failure you couldn’t begin to comprehend what it takes to make any sort of legitimate paid traffic campaign.

Yes, forget about Article Writing because… well… actually, Tom Tyler has a good point. Article marketing sucks dick.

Yes, forget about Site Building! Why build crappy websites that no one sees ever? You’re such a fucking failure that even if your website was good, people would only visit it to feel better about themselves because the site owner is a huge loser.

Yes, forget about jumping through “approval” hoops with CPA or CPV. Really, if you can’t get that part of the game you might be giving up too easily. You should take that kind of determination and use it to give up on life by killing yourself.

Tom Tyler is Sick and Tired of Lying Scheming Gurus

Smoke and mirrors, products that don’t work, yadda yadda yadda. If you can’t understand the hypocrisy of his entire sales pitch, then stop reading and go play in traffic. Moving on.

Juan and the Mystery Island

The best part of the Commission Hijack sales letter is the story of how Tom Tyler found out this magical one-button-only money making technique.

Tom Tyler stumbles upon someone who makes money online. This person’s name is Juan. Basically Tom Tyler begs him for his technique, like most loser beggars do. “Tell me how to make money online already! Its not fair!”

Juan says that the only way he will give up the goods is if Tom Tyler meets him face to face. Tom Tyler’s desperation to make money online is too much to bear, so Tom agrees and spends the next few weeks of his life scraping up $5,000 for a plane ticket.

This kind of pathetic desperation is pretty much the life-blood of the guru market. Tom Tyler tells the story because he wants the reader of his sales page to relate to himself. “Look guy- I was once pathetic like you, but now I’m pushing just one button and I lay on the beach all day. Take the risk! Take the chance that my product might actually do something for you!”

At this point, the similarities between Tom Tyler’s story and some schmuck falling for a Nigerian 419 scam is eerily uncanny. Selling all of your shit, begging and borrowing money, just so you can give it to a complete stranger shows some very sound business sense. You’re a shining beacon for entrepreneurs everywhere, Tom Tyler.

Tom Tyler finally makes it to Juan Island. He is amazed to see, as I would be too, that there’s a bunch of beautiful women lounging around, working on laptops. Surely they must all be Juan’s Secret Army of Sexy Female Bodyguards. That, or sexy female outsourcers. Either way, I just want to thank Tom Tyler for taking this brave journey so he can share the secret of wealth with the rest of the world.

Never Be Scammed Again

So what is Commission Hijack? Since it’s the key to never getting scammed again- I just had to buy it!

To be honest I never buy this shit to review it, I just make fun of them based on the sales letter. But this time I bought because curiosity got the best of me- I just have to know! Plus it leads to a more interesting post.

The first thing I notice is the immediate $197 limited time, “only a few copies left” upsell for an Elite Pro Membership. Damn Tom Tyler, I really thought that pushing just one button was all I needed to live on a secluded island with supermodels that I outsource the work to. What the fuck? Now I need to upgrade to Elite Pro to get that guru money? The upsell sales page says “Up to 367% More Profits.” Damn, a 367% increase in Nick Throlson dollars a day would be a good chunk of coin…. tempting Tom Tyler. Tempting indeed.

I’m going to pass for now and continue on to the product. But I did scroll through the whole thing and the “No thanks” button says “No thanks Tom, I don’t want to kill the day job…” Wow dickhead! You sold me on the one button profits! Now if I don’t push more buttons, I’ll be stuck managing Burger King forever?! Fuck you and your stupid accent.

So I continue on. Now I have to create an account on this login page. Oh wait- it’s not actually an account creation page. It’s actually an email optin that doesn’t require your paypal email or anything, just “an email that you use often.” So I put in my info.

FUCK! Another upsell!

————

A bonus rant on “it makes money”

Before I go on- I should mention that the stuff above probably isn’t new to some people, especially the Clickbankers that do this for a living. Landing page, upsell, optin, upsell, etc- a shit ton of pages before you get to the actual product. It has its uses because people are in “buying mode” so they’ll just keep clicking shit until they’re out a few hundred bucks and new owners of a bunch of resold, rebranded, and rehashed shit they’ll never touch. The technique isn’t breaking news, but I never buy into this shit so it was a refreshing look into the chaos.

And before people start bitching at me, “But it makes money Barman, why are you hating?!”

Listen, it’s a free fucking country so I can hate on whatever I want. Just because something makes money doesn’t mean it’s free from scrutiny. Amway is a massive MLM (multi-level marketing) corporation that “makes money” but that doesn’t mean I approve of their business model. BP increases profits by not investing into safety, thus deep-water drilling is more prone to spills, so that makes money but that doesn’t mean I approve of that business model. Hitler pulled out gold from the teeth of the Jews, but that doesn’t mean I approve of that business model.

So shut the fuck up already with that “it’s making money so stop hating.” Such a fucking bogus argument.

I’m not saying upsells are horrible or evil dumbass. They work lovely, but damn why do I gotta see a dozen of them when I just bought something?
———–

Anyway, back to the Commission Hijack Review.

This next upsell is for (you’ll never guess!) Automated Super Affiliate. Just Automated Super Affiliate. It doesn’t say System or Technique or Plan or anything. Your super affiliate stuff just gets automated don’t even ask questions.

I don’t think this product appeals to me so I’m going to continue to the members area. The text at the bottom of the page reads “I want to skip this one time offer and proceed to the Commission Hijack members area” so I click that.

FUCK ANOTHER FUCKING UPSELL YOU LIMEY FUCK!

This upsell is for the Commission Hijack Platinum Card. It’s only $67 but it will triple your commissions! I’ll only get one chance to see this page so I better read through it.

But you need to take one more step.

I held back because I wanted to see if you were serious about making some REAL money from internet marketing.

I can’t afford to make this offer to a tire-kicker who isn’t hungry and determined to win at all costs.

Wow Tom, you really know how to make me feel like I’m going places. I get it. I’ve spent some money because of the hope that one day I’ll make some money on this internet thing, so while this euphoric feeling is still fresh in my bloodstream, you’re taking advantage. Sure I want to triple my commissions, but my commissions now are zero. I think I’ll pass on this offer, for now.

I scroll to the bottom of the page and click “No thanks, Tom I don’t want Three Times More Commissions…” (Really Tom, in my heart I do, but I’m a poor schlep scraping together his last dollars to buy your product original product)

FUCK!!!! Another page….

Look, I get it…

Times are hard.

You don’t want to risk too much…

I HEAR YOU.

So, let me make this a “no brainer” for you:

You Join This Elite Platinum Club For Just $37

Oh you dirty fucking scumbag. Just give me the fucking shit I bought…

Hijack the Commission Hijack

I finally get to the actual product. Commission Hijack is in my hands and I ready to push one button to watch my Clickbank account grow from $0 to slightly more than $0.

Hopefully Tom Tyler doesn’t get mad that I give away his whole system here, sorry Tom! But it’s only fitting that I let people hijack the hijacking of commissions.

  • 1. Turn on your computer.
  • 2. Get email alerts from Commission Hijack about new product launches.
  • 3. Create Twitter accounts for these products.
  • 4. ….
  • 5. Tell your day job boss to fuck off as you watch the money roll in.

Wow. Twitter. Is that really it? Is that all it takes to be buying a private island in the Southern Hemisphere with your own army of sexy female outsources?

Essentially, Tom Tyler is going to email blast all of the idiots dumb enough to buy his product with products they can themselves blast on Twitter. That’s the Commission Hijack system right there. Fucking riveting. If there was ever a time affiliate marketing reeked of multi-level marketing, this is it.

Here’s the screengrab of the actual product. IE Users might have trouble with such a large image. Usually works fine in Firefox. You could download it to your desktop and view it from there too if your browser gives you issues.

Why You Deserve a Life of Misery

Like weight loss product testimonials, these guru products only work for a few people. But a few people is all you need for a 60 minute infomercial. Your results may vary…

This group of individuals that “make it,” usually figure out how to make money online because they’re not fucking dense. OK sure, the guru products suck, but it opens up a world of internet monies for them. They got burnt, learned their lesson, and moved onto bigger and better things. Eventually though, they understand the game and profit from it.

For the rest of you, a lifetime of debt and misery awaits.

That’s the other 99.9%. America’s dumbest. If you buy into guru product launches, then you deserve what you get. You are the fat, lazy, scum of the earth that wants a handout any way they can. Most of your free time is spent watching outrageous bullshit like “Undercover Boss” or standing in line for lottery tickets. Rather than a read a book or improving your self-worth, you choose the path of least resistance. Hard work comes with its rewards, but you’d rather wait for the magic bullet train to take you to the front of the line.

The Clickbank marketplace caters to this stupidity and they profit greatly from it. Shit, most online marketers profit from the world’s stupidity. Let’s not get it twisted, we all do the same slimey shit. I just like making fun of Clickbank guru products the most because the bullshit is just so… out there.

So I want to thank you, dumbasses of the world, for making people who know what they’re doing more money. You keep skipping the Terms and Conditions, and we’ll keep teaching you lessons.

The Real Affiliate Marketing God

September 14th, 2010

A few days ago, Ad Hustler posted about Marketing God. That post was actually about god and religion.

Well today, I stumbled across another something something in my guru-dedicated inbox….

I present to you – the Affiliate God!

Yes, this fucking dipshit is pretentious enough to call himself a god. Lets get into this -

This motherfucker gets into why you’re failing. Fair enough – if you’re in affiliate marketing you’re probably failing, and the chances are much more likely you’re failing if you’re subscribing to guru product bullshit on purpose.

The video talks about ….

Reason 1) The reason why you don’t make money is because you focus on micro niches. “I think the biggest lie in internet marketing is that you should focus on micro-niches, cause they are easy to dominate. That is total crap”

No asshole. The biggest lie in internet marketing is you stupid dipshit gurus. Every product you guys sell is a lie. Most of them are partial lies, some are all lies (Imram Naseem cough cough)

Reason 2) and 3) No offer and no business – He has a point there. Gonna have to agree with this. I especially like the Perpetual Fail Mode. I wish I thought of that. If i did, I wouldn’t use that tag line to promote a guru product though.

Anyway- I can’t watch this whole fucking thing. I’m done here. You can watch it if you want. Chances are this product is just an email capture course to mail offers to :: yawn ::

Ryan Deiss Discovers Traffic Glory Hole, Volk Gets Lazy

September 14th, 2010

Ryan Deiss’ Glory Hole

I was checking my guru spam email, which is dedicated strictly to guru nonsense, and I saw this one amazing email from Ryan Deiss. Now, if you don’t know Ryan Deiss, I can’t blame you. I’ve heard the name before plenty of times, but I don’t really give one flying fuck who he is so I never bothered to look him up.

All I know is that he is one of the ‘big’ gurus. What his position is in the guru circle jerk, I don’t know – but I do know that he generally has to give tugs to Shoemoney, while getting his nuts rubbed by Frank Kern.

Anyway- here’s this fucking email:

Hey,

Over the past few months the self-riotous egg heads at Google adwords have banned the accounts of over 15,000 direct marketers. Banned for life! Some of the most straight up marketers I know. No reasoning, nothing. Just an email saying go away.

Fortunately, I already had a plan…

Thanks Ryan Diess! Good thing to know I can count on you when trouble arises. Where would the industry be without you?

Before we continue – are you sure Google is self-riotous? I know they get a little crazy in those offices, but I think you meant righteous.

See where I’m getting the lion’s share of my traffic now days (it ain’t Google). Click the link below right now for my free report: http://www.newtraffichoneyhole.com

Ah yes, the “New Traffic Money Hole” dot com! The cure for the depression caused by Google Adwords bans!

Finally! Now all the people who were banned from Google can now stick their dick in a new glory hole!

Google is the most arrogant company on earth just like Yahoo was in their day. Do these jerks never learn…

No Ryan Deiss, they just don’t learn. They just don’t.

My new source of traffic is like an “Island of Sanity” compared to those guys.

They get 39,000,000,000 (that’s BILLION) views per month and their traffic is super high quality and dirt cheap… They love affiliates and direct marketing!

You have GOT to get on this… Click the link below right now for my free report:
See ya soon
- Ryan Deiss

The Island of Sanity?! 39 BILLION views? Traffic is super high quality?! They love affiliates!?!?!

Where did this “secret traffic source” come from? I mean, by the time any website reaches around… say, One Billion views, people start to take notice. Isn’t it a little queer that such a fast growing website is “secret” according to Diess?

P.S. PLEASE, don’t spend another dime with Google till you see this.

P.S.S. I will be pulling this report down soon before everybody jumps on the band wagon. Better go
watch it now while its FREE

If you’re still spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on Google a day, fucking stop! PLEASE!

You gotta try this new secret traffic source! No wait! Before you do that, you gotta sign up for Diess’ list and buy his info product.

Onto the Traffic Glory Hole

So I went to Diess’ website and watched his guru boiler plate video. The new traffic glory hole from Ryan Diess is here.

Wait a fucking minute. Did I just get redirect to FBAdPower.com?! F and B stands for Face and Book. Facebook?! Is this about Facebook!? FUCK!

Your fucking secret traffic source info product is about the BIGGEST WEBSITE ON EARTH YOU FUCKING CUNT

This motherfucker Ryan Deiss is so full of shit. He will push whatever flavor-of-the-week there is. Yet, he really doesn’t know jack shit when it comes to real affiliate marketing. Pushing guru products on Warrior Forum and Clickbank is not affiliate marketing. It’s guru marketing. People bank with both, but someone needs to draw a line in the sand.

The Ryan Diess Formula to Success-

1. Create an info product for the current “hot topic.” For example, SEO. You don’t even need to know SEO. It doesn’t matter because you’ll be bashing it in your next product launch. You just need to pretend you know. Another example is his “Let’s Get Social” product. Its not even his. It’s just some dumb bitch droning on about how she is fleecing local business owners for several grand a month to manage their twitter accounts.
2. Learn to Sell Hopes and Dreams. Get paid with that desperate newbie money.
3. Months later, create another info product. You don’t have to be an expert on this new topic either. It just has to be the hot topic of the day.
4. This time, in your sales videos and shit, completely bash your previous products. For example, the FBAdPower.com sales video. Ryan talks shit about SEO, even admits he doesn’t know how to do it. He then proceeds to talk shit about JV partnerships and list, which I’m pretty sure is his bread and butter. The fucking nerve of this clown. I can’t imagine the thoughts going through anyone’s head who bought one, two, even three of four of his products. They are thinking one of two things: “This fucking scumbag…” or “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!”
5. Completely hype up your new product. Call it “secret” and “underground.” These are the kinds of buzzwords that work great on unsuspecting newbies.
6. ….
7. POP TWO COLLARS


What a gigantic fucking tool.

Volk Gets Lazy

Volk is completely out of ideas, and has completely run through the list of clowns willing to give him an interview. Here’s an email he sent out recently….

Hey!

I’m looking for people to interview for my friday affiliate interviews and figured there might be someone who you know would make an interesting interview.

If you have anyone in mind, reply back with a way for me to contact them and I’ll let them know you recommended I interview them. It might be a good way for you to let those friends know you think highly of them and help them get some exposure, etc. Plus, I always like to help those who help me – in some shape or form.

I’m not necessarily looking for multi-million dollar success stories… just average people who work hard and actually make money online. People who might stand out to you in some way or another.

Any help will be very much appreciated! :D

Let me think of some people who have made money online…. Hmmm…. OK I know a few.

I’ll send over the same 20 questions you email everybody so you can have some original content for your blog. I’m sure they can’t wait to spend an hour replying and getting their mugshot on your blog. GLB

(GLB = Good Luck Bros)

Magic Bullet System Reviewed

January 10th, 2010

Let’s cut to the chase. There has been a lot of talk and hype about the Magic Bullet System recently.

It is a program created by the infamous Amish Shah and the ever-so-elusive Jay Styles. Who are these two men of mystery? While I have never met Amish in person nor smoked a blunt with Jay Styles, I always thought they were legit. That said, once you release a Guru info product, your job is done and PPC.bz has to make fun of you.

What is the Magic Bullet System?

I talk to Jay Styles a lot, and he is usually baked out of his mind. He says “This is the hottest shit ever released”. I asked him why he would sell this product when he could just use it himself, and he goes “It’s easier to sell 500 copies for $3k to newbies versus the work in creating these campaigns yourself.”

Makes sense.

So I used adwerdz to search for the Magic Bullet and the result can be found on the right.

Now you may be thinking – “How the fuck will this make a newbie like me money?”

How does the Magic Bullet System work?

After looking over my Magic Bullet review copy, I couldn’t figure out how it worked? What does it do and how does it apply to making money online?

I asked Amish and Jay Styles why they are selling this product to newbies if it doesn’t work. But they told me the secret to how it works – which I will now lay out in detail here.

Stick it up Frank Kern’s ass

In order to get your Magic Bullet System to work properly, you must first stick it up Frank Kern’s ass. If you don’t know who Frank Kern is, he is the master of selling false hope to people new to internet marketing. His list of suckers… err… customers is so big, if Frank Kern even whispers your products name in bed you will have instant riches.

How do you get your own “goose that laid the golden egg?” You have to find Frank Kern, and stick it up his ass. Leave it up there for about 30 seconds and your Magic Bullet is good to go.

Once you stick it up Frank Kern’s ass, all of the other top guru salesmen in the industry will follow. John Reese, Amit Mehta, John Chow, and all those other scumbags… err salesmen – just stick it up their asses!!!

Anyway, Magic Bullet promises to do pretty much everything from click to sale in the CPA marketing space. Just push a button and your shit is set.

1. Sit down at computer.
2. Put your favorite fruits and mixes into your Magic Bullet.
3. Push button.
4. ….
5. Profit!

Actual Magic Bullet System Testimonials

‘I used the Magic Bullet system & i got food poisening & i couldn’t afford my medical bills… after that i got the motivation to get off my ass and now i make a solid $xx.xx a day. thank you Jay Style’ — 012

‘I use the Magic Bullet to get the bitches in bed. You see, since I’m such a baller I always have chicks over. They are like you got something to drink? Then im like bam bitch i’ll make some margaritas in my Magic Bullet. After 6 or 7 they are drunk out of their minds and I just slam their hoochies’ – circa

‘i copied someone’s campaigns 100% jacked their pages & ads… they bashed in my face with a baseball bat. now due to magic bullet system i can now eat my food. the smoothies it makes are just awesome.’ – coop

‘I do payday loans and fuck people over for 450% APY. The Magic Bullet smoothies help me sleep at night’ -jonny

Edit: What if i didn’t get the joke?

The joke here is that there is already a product called the Magic Bullet that makes smoothies and shit. It also looks like a fat dildo. So that is where the ass joke comes from.

Do not actually attempt to stick anything up Kern’s body parts cause I think he knows Kung Fu and shit. Also I will promise to stop making fun of Kern in the future if he 1) smokes us out at ASW 2) tells me his secrets to those flowing blonde locks of his.

In addition, Amish’s Magic Bullet is legit (as far as info products go) so buy it if you got $3k to throw around. No affiliate link

Alternative to Google Adwords

December 16th, 2009

Got that Content Slap? Got that “Fuck you we don’t need you any more banned everywhere” Slap?

Introducing…

Gurgle Adwerdz

Working Your Affiliate Bankroll

September 18th, 2009

If you haven’t already, read the first part of this Affiliate Bankroll series.

This article is targeted towards the majority of affiliate marketers. I’m sure many affiliates can take something away here, but this article will be more helpful to newbies or those that have been doing this a long time with little success.

The fact of the matter is most people will have to work from one tier to the next. Some will get lucky, but the majority will not. It’s all about managing your cash flow to get to a level where you are making a living, or a fortune.

There have been a few posts in the affiliate marketing space about cash flow. This is pretty much the topic, but no one really goes into too this much detail.

Calculating Risk in Poker and Online Marketing

In poker, every hand you play is a risk. Calculating risk is basically what separates your average poker player from someone who wins often. Some people can estimate the risk while math wizards can calculate to the exact percentage. Either way, calculating the risk is at the core of being a good poker player.

And just like poker, online marketing has risks. Every dollar you spend is a risk. No matter what you spend that dollar on, you will have more long-term success if you know how to reduce risk. It’s hard to pinpoint your risk with online marketing like it is in poker, but one thing you can do is reduce your risk as much as possible.

Reducing Risk

Research, research, research! This is the best way to reduce risk. The web is a big, big place and you can find out a lot of information fairly easily. Whether you are spending money or time – reduce your fucking risk!

For SEO, researching your competition is easy. A simple Google search with one of the many free plugins available for checking competition will tell you if you can actually get traffic for your website to generate revenue. If you spend a month building a high-quality content site and expect the world to show up, you will be in for a rude awakening if you can’t beat your competition with your current skillset. Pick something you can handle from the very beginning.

With PPC, you reduce risk by researching what the successful campaigns are doing in your niche. Keep an eye out on the ads, see which ones are sticking over time. Even better, spend an entire day researching the whole niche start to finish, not just the ads in Google. This allows you to come up with ideas that have a high risk / reward ratio – no one else may be doing it so you implement and if it works you’re ballin’. Another way to reduce risk to ask an experienced affiliate manager on what is working and how it’s working.

For Media Buying, research your targets if you are buying banners on individual sites (Is the traffic there? Is this my demographic?), or ask the people who know what they are doing when you’re going after big media buys.

What if you want to invest in a paid tool, seminar, or paid forum? Once again, research what you are buying. Be careful to not fall for the sales hype that is common to these products and services. Spend a little bit of time researching the people behind it and not dreaming about how much money you can make. Believe it or not, there are some tools, forums and seminars worth buying.

Same thing applies to outsourced labor. Research who you are working with or ask your friends for recommendations. Otherwise you will be going to through foreigner and foreigner on Odesk.

What to do with your Affiliate Bankroll – Tier to Tier

The tiers below refer to monthly revenue, not how much you have in the bank. And we assume you are making some profit from your revenue so you have cash to work with.

Everything I write is a generalization. There are no hard and fast rules here. I am also full of shit.

Under $1,000

If this is your revenue, chances are you are new, or not new and do not know what you are doing. You may not have cash to reinvest, but you have one thing that everyone else has, and that’s time. The options below take time and do not make you a killing, but they work well enough to generate cash flow.

SEO – Search optimization is not a mystery. It’s pretty fucking simple, especially when you have a website with value. Target one keyword, or one niche, and take it over. Spend every hour of every day coming up with delicious content, building links, building relationships with other websites, so on and so forth. Select a niche with at least one offer that you can promote on this site, or learn how to make the most out of Adsense (or similar services)

Leverage High-Traffic Sites – Post on the top forums in your niche, or answer questions on Askville or Yahoo Answers. You can build a ton of backlinks and traffic this way, but you must have a good website to be sending these people to so you have some staying power within these websites. Otherwise, you’re going to get booted off fast for spamming.

Article Marketing – Also known as Bum Marketing. I won’t get into detail because this is pretty straightforward and there is more information out there on the subject than you would ever want to read.

Spam – You have time to learn how to program. When you can automate something to take advantage of an opportunity in a service, you can make money. For example, the automatic Myspace friend-adder from the days of long-ago.

Outsource Yourself – If you have nothing else, outsource yourself. There are a ton of article writers on Wickedfire with great talent that are making much more than $1,000 a month. If you can design or program you can sell these skills too. Obviously you have to always be improving; otherwise people will figure out your services suck and stop using you.

Site Flipping – This tactic has been mentioned on a few forums and books – the information is out there. If you are starting from ground zero, build a site that gets traffic and some revenue and sell it for 8-12x months revenue.

$1,000 – $5,000

Ok, so you’re making a respectable income for most people. Chances are you got to do this level doing at least something mentioned in tier above. Or maybe you’re balling with some Pay Per Clicks?

At this tier, you have some money to spend on scaling. This needs to be dispensable income (% of your bankroll you can afford to lose) because sometimes shit is just not going to work out. You test new traffic and nothing works, or you hire a programmer that is a bum. The idea is to not blow your whole bankroll so you can keep chugging along.

Reinvest in Tools for Automation – If your focus is SEO, you probably know something that can push up your rankings if only you automated it. Spend $1,000 or whatever you need to get these tools built. There are also a few great tools out there pre-built that you can invest in (SENuke, for example for around $150 a month)

Unfortunately there is a lot of shit being sold, so try before you buy. The best solution of course is to pay for what you need done and keep it to yourself. If you are buying someone else’s tools, research is the key to not getting burned.

Scale What’s Working – If you have something that works, try new traffic sources. For PPC, there are a ton of 2nd and 3rd their PPC engines to test out. If you’re SEO, buy links to push up your rankings (touchy subject) or buy banners on popular websites in your niche. At this point you should outsource getting additional articles written (more content = more traffic) and more links built to your website (directory, blog directory, social bookmark submission)

If you’re still fucking around with articles, pay some Indians to write them for $2, then sell them to Associated Content for $4.

Domains – You’re not going to get rich buying a domain that are available to register. All the good domains are taken, and the great ones – forget about it. But you can spend $500-$2,000 on a really good domain. You can flip it for more than you bought it for if you can find the right buyer. That buyer usually won’t be found on a domaining forum. It will usually be an individual or business you have to seek out yourself. Once again, research is key.

$5,000-$20,000

This is actually an important tier because when you generate this much revenue, you can get on weekly payouts from affiliate networks (which usually require $1,000 per week minimum in revenue). This improves your cash flow and allows you to make moves quicker than month to month.

SEO – This may be where many SEO-focused websites reach critical mass. There are only so many visitors you can get via Search for one particular niche. At some point the work you put in will begin yielding fewer results.

If you can keep growing (there is room for more domination), keep growing by adding social features (forums), services (invest in a programmer to build you a service your niche needs. A diet tracker application is an example), or buy out your competition (just straight up offer to buy their website).

And if you have done everything you can do, the obvious option here is to bust out a new website in a new niche. But now you have resources so you can outsource content and traffic generation, making the process much faster than before.

Site Flipping – I have found that it is much easier to take a website getting 300 visitors a day and turning that into 1,000 visitors a day fairly quickly then it is to grow a brand new site from 0 to 300 visitors.

There are plenty of opportunities in this space. People may have spent the past 3 years of their lives working on a website in their spare time that never made them any money, but they had fun doing it. Then they realized they can sell their website for a few thousands bucks to pay some bills.

Here’s where a savvy marketer like you comes in. You buy the website because you see it can be worth a lot more with some simple changes at first, then a little bit of elbow grease. Whether it is adding banners in the right places, adding great content, building links, or all of the above – there is value in what you know and they don’t.

Paid Traffic Channels – If you’ve gotten to this level with paid traffic, then chances are you already know what you’re doing. Just scale the motherfucker! now-thats-data

The problem with most advice regarding paid traffic is the lack of disclosure on how much money you really need. If you want to make a traffic source work for you, you need a lot of cash on hand. Statistical relevance does not come from 17 clicks a day.

Whether it’s PPC, PPV, or Media Buying, you need an ample amount of cash to burn. You need variations of your ads, landing pages, and offers ready on day one when you pay for the traffic. Once you find winners, you need new variations ready immediately to find further improvement.

Testing all of these variables means you need statistical relevance to find success, and the only way to get statistical relevance is more traffic. That traffic costs money.

And there is the chance a niche or traffic source will completely blow for what you are doing. A lot of people won’t stop until they make it work, but if you can’t make it work at some point, you’re going to start over.

Domains – Same rules apply, but the quality of domains you can buy greatly improve. There should be some good deals these days on high-quality domains as domainers are selling off their inventory in droves as revenues decline and the economy goes into the shitter.

$20,000 – $100,000

You are unofficially at ‘super affiliate’ status. Good for you. What the fuck do you want? A plaque to put on your desk and a pat on the ass?

You can apply everything already mentioned on a larger scale. Instead of testing one traffic source, you can test 5 at once. Instead of buying a $2,000 website to flip, you can buy a $20,000 website. Instead of one good domain, you buy a premium (great) domain and have the resources available to build a long-term website that will generate revenue forever – never fearing the Google / Facebook / Ex-girlfriend slap (You can finally buy that bitch some shoes!)

$100,000 +

If you made it this far, there is little barman can tell you. But I will write some shit out anyway.

Affiliate Product Development – You can start your own product that affiliates like to push. A few big affiliates have gone this route if you haven’t noticed. If you are at this level, you understand how affiliate marketing works and you have the relationships to make your product work.

You Own Product Development and Marketing – You do not necessarily need to come out with a credit report offer or colon cleanse rebill. There so many opportunities in creating your own offer. It really is limitless. You can find dropshipping for a product no one else is selling, or maybe find someone local that needs their product rolled out on a world-wide scale.

And you do not necessarily need a ton of money to do this. You can start small for a few grand and re-invest as you generate more revenue.

You don’t need a physical product either. Facebook apps can make a killing. Services that can be sold by the box or through a subscription service are needed in every niche.

Start a Network – Instead of developing a product, you can of course, start a network. Obviously you need more than $100k on hand to do this. You also need real experience in the industry and business know-how to run a successful affiliate company. It’s not for everyone, and it is not mandatory once you reach a certain level. Just know that there are a handful of affiliate networks started by affiliates that are very successful and continue to grow.

Of course, many will test their luck just because they think it’s where all the money is. After a few months these networks fall apart, fail to pay, and generally catch an ass-whooping on affiliate forums.

What Did You Learn?

If there is any lesson you can take away from this post, it is to stop having delusions of grandeur. Stop falling for marketing tactics for guru-products where the headline reads “I made $51,012.92 this month doing nothing.” Stop motivating yourself with money.

Broke newbies fall for this shit because they think they can go from $0 to infinity by just buying this one product. But they ignore the time and money spent in-between, and don’t realize the hard long hours needed, and the experience (something you can’t buy) gained from failure.

Focus on one thing until you master it. Stop moving from idea to idea if you’re wondering why you’re not getting anywhere. When you master it, the money comes easier.

The next thing is taking care of your bankroll. Don’t drop 5 figures on a car if that’s all you have left. You can only take advantage of the opportunities out there when you have the cash to do it with. It’s easier to turn $10K into $20K then it is to make $10K starting with nothing.

And the last thing to take away is to know that there is opportunity everywhere. I only discussed a few of the most popular ways to make money online. Like I’ve said before, “there’s more than one way to fuck a fat bitch!”

For example, I see Facebook ads running for a seminar in my city. The ad is targeting business owners looking to grow their business with e-commerce. So you fill up your seminar with businesses eager to grow, convince them that the only way to grow is to spend money with you, then get them to buy your e-commerce solutions. Skadoosh!

Affiliate Bankroll

September 18th, 2009

Let’s talk about two of my favorite things – poker, and selling sugar pills to fat ladies between the ages of 18 and 45.

This is going to be a 2-part series, and I will most likely publish the second half later today.

It’s time to discuss some theory. If you haven’t noticed, 96% of affiliate marketing blogs you read only talk about success as an individual accomplishment. Like “I made 5 figures doing this!” or “Hey, Look at my giant Photoshopped check!”

What you need to understand is that individual successes come and go, and having some staying power in affiliate marketing (or any online marketing for that matter) requires knowing how to navigate the long road ahead, and how to manage your bankroll.

That said, theory is theory and anything I write from this point on can be taken as complete bullshit.

Shoemoney actually wrote a post that compares Hold ‘em to online marketing, which is worth the read. But the comparisons are vague and provide no value to the average reader. This series will hopefully change that.

First, let’s define poker bankroll.

Poker Bankroll

If you have any experience playing poker, especially professionally, you more than likely have heard the term “bankroll.” Bankroll, by definition in terms of poker, refers to the total amount of money you have available for your poker ventures – whether it’s for cash games, tournaments, or both. It is not the amount of money you have in an individual game (although it can be defined as such, but not for this article)

Professional poker players understand the concept of bankroll and will tell any newbie that they need to learn about managing it if they want to make a career out of poker.

If you deposit $200 into PokerStars, and this is all you think you will ever deposit for online poker, then this is your bankroll. If you are a professional poker player and been playing the game a long time, chances are your bankroll is several hundred thousands or several millions of dollars.

The point of bankroll is to reduce risk of catastrophic failure (inability to play any more poker) but at the same time allow you to make more money.

Catastrophic failure – You play Hold ‘em with friends every night, you can’t get enough World Series of Poker on TV, and you play online a few hours a day. You love poker. So you take all your winnings from friends, online poker, and some pennies from the couch, and you signup for a $5,000 buy-in tournament in Vegas. All your money is on the line.

You bust out first. Fuck! You’ve lost it all. You have no more money for poker, let alone the utility bills.

When you’ve busted in poker you do one of two things. Stop playing forever (the obvious choice most people will take) or rebuild. The problem with rebuilding from ground zero is that is going to take a long time.

If you knew how to manage bankroll, this would have never happened. You would have never risked 100% of your poker money on one single game.

Make More Money – The rich get richer. The bigger your bankroll, the more opportunity available for you to make even more money.

Managing you bankroll wisely allows you to make more money. Let’s say you have $20K for your poker ventures. Using your bankroll wisely means you never drop more than $500 (example only – I don’t know the official bankroll guidelines for poker players) on a cash game or tournament.

Why? Because if you bust you still have money to play. Come back the next day or week when you’re not on tilt. The bills can still be paid.

Playing more means that eventually, if you are any good, you are making more. And if you are making more, the opportunities for bigger cashes open up. You can play bigger tournaments and bigger cash games. This is why you see some people cry their eyes out when they lose the World Series (because they’ve invested everything) or some people (professionals) who call it just another day in the office. The $10,000 buy-in means nothing to them.

That’s a basic run-down of the importance of poker bankroll. So how does poker bankroll compare to your affiliate bankroll?

Differences

One Lump Sum vs Monthly RevenuePoker bankroll generally means one amount of money – the money in your bank account.

For the sake of this series, affiliate bankroll will refer to monthly profit because that is how most of us track our earnings.

Scalability – A poker player is only one person. This person can only represent himself when he sites down at the casino. To be fair, you can play multiple tables with online poker, but you’re eventually maxing out at 4-8 tables.

Online marketing allows unlimited scalability. You can keep growing your business single-handedly, outsource, or do whatever you can to scale your revenue to something worth bragging about.

Similarities

Opportunity – Both poker and online marketing allow more opportunities when your bankroll gets bigger. When you have a huge bankroll in poker, the million dollar cash games you hear about are something you can actually play.

As you generate more revenue with online marketing, opportunities open up. And that is pretty much what I am going to try and outline in the next post.

Luck – She is a harsh mistress. One day luck gives you a promotion, the next day you get a flat tire, a ticket, and you find out your wife has been cheating on you with Shoemoney.

Bad luck happens in both poker and online marketing, and it’s something you just have to deal with. But of course, do not let it define any of your actions. It just happens. Keep fuckin’ hustling.

Ups and Downs – If you pay attention to anything in this article, know that both poker and affiliate marketing have ups and down. There will be months when you lose your ass in poker, or even have a whole year of bad beats. But the professionals come back year and after year.

And it’s just as true in affiliate marketing. You can be on top of the world for months on end, but one day your top offer can die, Google can slap you, or the FTC raids your door and seizes your computers and assets.

Next Post – Working Your Affiliate Bankroll >

Making Money Online – The Magic Bullet

September 17th, 2009

Here it is folks.

NOW STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!

Nobody is Going to Tell You Shit Part 2

September 17th, 2009

After trying to write some long, meaningful post last night, I had to take a step back. Too much babbling and not enough quality shit. I truly felt like jon on one of his addy benders where he posts a novel about nothing, and everyone is like “WTF?”

It’s a bright and early morning and my head is clear.

So what was I getting at?

Well, everyone leaches for information, whether it’s something to get started or the next big thing. Newbies, earners, and ballers all do it, some more than most. Leaching tips and ideas is part of the game. But, if you rely on it too much and don’t spend enough time putting in work, you’re going to get fucked.

Let’s look at all the shit out there and see if it is bullshit or some shit that will actually be useful.

People Who Do Know Shit but Will Waste Your Time

You know those people… the dreaded “super affiliate” bloggers. You might have seen one of their checks, or their posts bragging about how much they make. They make money no question, but will not tell you a fucking thing worth knowing.

Let’s call them the Zac Johnsons.

Their posts are generally bullshit. The consist of either

  • 1. Bragging, bragging, and more bragging. No one gives a fuck how much you make. The only thing you are doing is making newbies think “shit this affiliate thing easy! Let me try it!” then they jack up bid prices. It is not “inspirational” If you truly wanted to change some lives you’d complain about how many hours you work and the struggle it took to get there.
  • 2. Selling you Something – If they’re not bragging, chances are they are selling you something. Selling out is fine, but not when you don’t even review the product, because if you did you’d realize it’s bullshit (Volk is actually on the few blogs worth reading he just lost mad brownie points for that post, especially after he didn’t approve my comment. Why am I so bitter over internet drama?)

All these morons like John Chow, all they do is make newbies think, “I just need to write a blog about making money and I will make money. If this buck-toothed clown can do it, so can I!” Then after a year and a half they are wondering why no one cares about their blog.

How to apply this shit – Stop reading these blogs and following these people. If you have to, read the headline and move on. This is not the fucking gospel. Once in a blue moon something worth knowing is posted, but it’s 99% bullshit. This means people like Mike Filsaime and Frank Kern, who make a killing but do it by selling their junk to the lowest common denominator.

People Who Do Know Shit and Will Not Waste Your Time

Promoting networks, products, and services on your blog is all part of the game. I mean, something has to pay these hosting costs and .bz renewal fees?

But I never understood why some of these popular writers just spew bullshit – like the hasOffers fiasco. Just because you have a following, you think you can write about something by copy-pasting the products sales page and people will jump on it?

How about you take a few minutes to review a product, providing some actual instruction on how to use it, and actually make some money? Or drop some knowledge that won’t affect you anymore but might make somebody some money?

This is why Nickycakes was so successful. He dropped bombs on his blog and promoted the offers on Advaliant, and told you which offers to push. He alone turned Advaliant into a player, all while earning a handsome commission.

This is why Ruck was so successful with CashTactics before he started his network.
“Here’s an idea, and the network to promote it on. Now sign up under my affiliate link”

The best recent example I’ve seen of this being done is Eli’s Autopligg Review. Although it’s long, it’s the most-straightforward method to use Autopligg successfully. Now go buy it through his affiliate link.

How to apply this shit – If you’re a reader, spend more time reading the blogs of people who know what they are talking about, rather than those trying to sell you something every other post.

If you’re a blogger, realize that if you want staying power, or if you want to grow a following, you are going to have to give something up. Whether it’s something that works, used to work, how to use something else works, it’s all about providing some value to your readers.

And if you’re some newbie blogger looking to copy John Chow, just give up now. No one is going to sign up through your affiliate link, and if anybody does they are a bum because no real affiliate takes your blog seriously. What’s a 3% on $0 anyway?

Of course you can just write about how much you make. Just write big numbers and write it out to the last penny. Lying about it is fine. People will flock to you like you were the second coming of Jesus. “OH HELP ME MAKE THE MONIES LAWD!”

Your Brain Will Tell You Shit

When you think about your work, you get ideas. Whether these ideas come on the shitter, while looking at lolcats, or while you’re on a 3 day bender, we all get ideas and some are actually good. This mushy grey shit in our head can bust out some really good ideas when it wants to.

But if you’re not doing anything, like you have no campaigns, no web properties, no plan, your ideas are junk. You think of things that will take a lot of work that you never get around to doing. Your brain has no fuel and it just spits out whatever it thinks will make you some money.

If you actually have a project going, a campaign, whatever – you think of ideas to improve what you are doing. Maybe you thought up some great link-bait for your blog, a new thing to split test on your LP, a new service to add to your accounting tools web application, or “Damn! Why didn’t I think of asking him for tips on this media buy campaign. It’s been a while since we talked.”

How to apply this shit – Get to work fucking work. Applying one idea to something that is already working is worth more than some big idea that only exists in your head.

Friends Will Tell You Shit

Real friends will tell you shit. The people who you’ve had a long relationship with online, or offline at an Affiliate Summit or Meet-up, whatever.

Learn how to make friends in this industry. You don’t do it by asking “So how much do you make?” within the first 5 minutes of a conversation. It can take weeks or months, but time in a relationship is something we cannot buy. Call time an investment if you want.

You’re in it for the long-haul right, not just looking to make a million in a week?

How to apply this shit – Make some friends? I don’t know what to tell you here loser.

People Who Want to Make Money Off Of You Will Tell You Shit

There are people that will definitely tell you shit because they are making money off of you. In this example, we look at affiliate networks.

Affiliate managers at networks will definitely tell you shit because they make money off of you. And if you know anything, you know that there are some dumb ones that can barely write an e-mail, and some that know more than you ever will, and everything in between.

So avoid the bullshit from managers that send you a daily IM of “OMG NEW HOT OFFERS.”

Well no shit these are hot new offers, but I don’t promote this niche so why do I care?

Find an affiliate manager who actually gives a fuck and knows what they are doing. Not to name names, but a few examples of these people would be the guys at Convert2Media, the players at EWANetwork, and maybe Geoff at Advaliant when he’s not modeling underwear.

How to apply this shit – Work with a networks and affiliate managers worth their salt.

People Who Don’t Know Shit and Repeat Other Peoples Dumb Shit

There are so many people out there that don’t know shit. The internet is fucking full of them.

I call it the “Idiot Echo Chamber“. These people who dedicate their lives to Warrior Forum or Digital Point, writing thousands of thousands of words that mean nothing.

How to Apply This Shit – This is pretty simple. Don’t read Warrior Forum or Digital Point. Use it to sell shit or buy cheap labor, but don’t actually read it. This applies to Wickedfire too, because if you haven’t noticed 99% of threads and posts there are either pointless, or written to deter others from learning anything of value to reduce their competition.

Other People’s Shit Will Only Get You Down

If you think you get inspired by people who post their success and earnings, you’re wrong. Money is the wrong tool for motivation for the majority of people.

If it is your sole motivation you will end up losing motivation quickly. And as long as you are not printing the money supply and do not have lobbyists working CONgress for funds, it will almost universally hold true that someone dumber than you who doesn’t work near as hard will earn more money

- Quote from Aaron Wall

This is why the majority of newbies fail when they live by “super affiliate blogs.”

The $1 mil affiliate post on C2M is inspirational not because of the number, but because if you read between the lines you know this guy puts in hard work.

How to apply this shit – It’s not fucking easy to make money online. It’s either going to take a lot of time or a lot of money, or both. If it was easy for you, good for you – but for everyone else it is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done.

You Don’t Appreciate Shit Anyway

Call it what you will, but even the most clear-cut instructions on how make money will be met with laziness and resistance. There are numerous posts on Wickedfire that provide great examples of building some sort of property that can make you money for a long time. (Local Niche Directory, Site Flipping, etc)

The problem is so many people do not appreciate the shit that is being given to them. Why? Because it takes work – “but I don’t want to work! I want to make lots of money online working one hour a day from the beach!”

Even if someone drops some knowledge that is easy to apply, there will still be shitheads that want something easier.

How to apply this shit – You’re going to waste your life looking for the quickest, easy way to make money online. Those years have past and now it’s actually challenging. Even the multi-millionaire domainers, who earned their keep with something as simple as domain names, put in there 80 hour weeks in the 90s when competition was minuscule.

Learn to appreciate what it really takes – whether it’s affiliate marketing, building a long-term subscription service, starting an affiliate network, or building a website with plans of a buyout by Google or another big company. Whatever it is, it is going to be harder than anything you ever did.

Fuck What You Heard.

Information is useless until you apply it and test it on your own. You may have heard that this image works, this headline works, this link-building strategy works – it’s all moot unless you apply it to your own empire to see if it works.

If you blindly follow information without testing you’re going to get fucked. If you are sitting around waiting for information about the next big thing, you’re going to get fucked but it will happen over a longer time period.

Time is one thing we do not get back. Spend too much time looking for information that you think will change your life and you’ll look back in a few years and say “What the fuck have I done? Nothing.”

That’s why it is important to optimize where you time is spent – build quality relationships, work on projects with long-term value, and rely on only the sources of information that you can trust, that are not in the business of wasting your time.