Archive for the ‘Wait What’ Category

How a Filthy Crack Whore Becomes a Millionaire Overnight

I kept my mouth shut when every person with a list promoted this Get FB Ads Free bullshit. Not because I have any respect, it’s just so fucking awful it would take me hours to dissect all of the bullshit, when I don’t have that kind of time. The guy in that video is so fucking pretentious and conceited I want to choke him out. “I have no idea how you landed on this secret access page …” Get fucking real you tool. I’d just be too angry by the end of writing any piece about it i’d just give up on online marketing entirely.

The rest of the video just drones on and on …. watch at your own risk. Without buying the product you know what you’ll get – some generic Facebook information, 51 upsells to other products that can make you $xxx,xxx every month with just a push of a button blah blah blah. (Just FYI for any newbs reading this, no you can’t get Facebook Ads free.)

One Click Slut Profits

Anyway, this shit arrived in my spambox today. IS YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

Basically someone has taken the guru launch formula and put their own slutty spin on it. The success of most guru launches has always relied on the “story” and the numbers. How big and unbelievable the numbers on the sales page can get depends on the product, and the story is usually some schlep getting out of debt now they’re buying cars for everyone like they’re MC Hammer.

But this particular “Stripped Down Profits” sales page makes me face palm. I’m almost speechless at how ridiculous this is and I must share it with you.

The video in itself is a slap in the face. “Pretty girls like me will always have someone to take care of them … ” Hey listen skank, you’re not really that hot to begin with. I give you 7.5 at best and you’re clearly reading off a cue card. But I don’t want to get too mean since you’re clearly a paid actress and failure like Imran Naseem is probably behind the camera.

Blackmailing Gurus into One Button Profits

The landing page copy is the kicker. Read this shit:

These were the guys who couldn’t get enough of the Spearmint Rhino…
And couldn’t get enough of me and a few of my girls… (Doubtful… there are 200 girls in that place. Plenty of fish in the sea and you’re some nasty three eyed trout)
And It’s amazing what these guys will say and do to get in your pants…
I was showered with gifts…offers of free paid vacations around the world.. and more… (what a sad group of gurus we have to look up to)
Each one trying to outdo each other..for my affection….
But they’d never have me… it was fun…for a while…
But it got old fast.
One night I’ve had enough!
…I was just fed up with not being able to tell my parents or anyone else what I actually did for a living…..
And I didn’t think couldn’t take one more night of being the ‘fondling dummy’…
I cornered one of these dude as he was trying to make another move on me..
And said
“keep your gifts and your vacations…”
None of that stuff changes a damn thing for me..”
I need to get out of this Hell!
And you KNOW how to take me there…
Show me…
Show me so I can do it MYSELF..”
By the look the guys face he’d clearly never been talked to this way by a woman..
I said…
“I Want Your System … The one you use to generate money while you party the night away”
When I said that he literally laughed me off like I was a child…
And said, get this…
“pretty girls like you..shouldn’t be messing around with this stuff..you’d never understand it..”
Blackmail isn’t my style…But I was desperate..
I say..
“And pretty boys like you shouldn’t be caught on camera doing drugs…spending the night with strippers..when they’re married with 3 kids..”
“If I don’t get that software…someone in your family might “accidentally” see that video….and I’d hate for it to be your wife”
And as I suspected…this rich creep caved in like an igloo on the sunset strip.
He says give me 7 days…“you’ll never need to work this joint again…I promise you that”
Just give me some time to get it ready.”
That was cool.
But I doubted he’d really deliver. So I totally forget about it for a while…

How’s that old saying go? Give a man a fish you feed him for a day? Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime? So, Give a stripper a diamond bracelet you smell like fish for a day. Teach a stripper one click profits you won’t get blackmailed? Something like that…

OK two things.

1) I need to know who these gurus are that just love cocaine and strippers. Haley clearly states that there is a Clickbank syndicate disregarding currency and acquiring cocaine, so who the fuck is it?! Cause I need to party with them.

In the video she calls out gurus with “The next time a guido sells you some software…” Wow pretty harsh. All gurus are filthy guidos all the sudden? While they’re slimebags no doubt, I don’t think they’re all Italian. Let’s keep the derogatory guido comments for the Jersey Shore where it belongs.

2) I’m doubtful that’s how the real conversation went. It’s true that a lot of ballers end up at the Spearmint Rhino, especially during conference time like Leadscon and Affiliate Summit West.

But I sincerely doubt that a Rhino stripper has ever muttered the words “I want your system for push button profits…”

Whenever a stripper starts a sentence the words with “I want … ” it usually goes like …
“I want to give you some private dances baby … ”
“I want to suck your cock for $300 … ”
“I want you to stop putting your greasy hands on me …”

Useful Idiots

This Haley does have some balls though and “exposes” all the guru secrets in the video. Apparently the guru syndicate likes to have launch parties at the Spearmint Rhino (actually true) but then reveals some more “behind the scenes” chatter.

I use the term “exposes” loosely because this is clearly a reverse psychology ploy. The creator of this product knows what they’re doing by calling bullshit on other products, claiming that other guru products laugh at you, etc etc. and “My product is better for reason XYZ.” Don’t fall for this shit newbs.

“Useful idiots” is the term to describe people who buy into guru product launches. They laugh at you because they just package up generic plugins and software, spruce it up a bit with a convincing landing page (although 95% of the stats are and stories are fake as shit), then sell the shit to the masses. “We’re selling women their own fat asses back to them…”

The irony is she rants against “bullshit software” and “scammy products” that promise a lot but deliver little, but this is exactly what “her” product is. Push on button, make $90. Push a few more buttons, make $493,209! It really is that simple folks.

I give this product launch a 6/10 for originality. It gets 2 points because it’s exactly the same as every other product launch, and 5 more points for the broken down stripper pitch. I subtract one point because I’m pretty sure this is the stripper who got glitter on me that I couldn’t get off for 3 days. BITCH!

Let me begin by saying that I don’t really know who Brad Fallon is. I know he is some guru and that’s about the extent of my knowledge. I believe he had something to do with Stompernet, which was some SEO course that many people enjoyed back in the day, but eventually ended in a disarray of lawsuits and slap-fighting. Supposedly it was a good newbie course to getting backlinks and stuff, but who knows with that SEO nonsense.

Anyway, I came across this landing page the other day. I think it was someone who had a question in the PPVPlaybook forums about the legitimacy of some product launch or tricks being used on the landing page.

So I clicked the link and found this: Welcome to the 8th Day

What. The. Fuck. Where to even begin?

Let’s start with the page title: “Welcome to the 8th Day” For those unfamiliar with the creation stories in the Bible, God basically created the earth, sun, stars, man and animal, and other shit in 6 days. On the 7th day he rested, most likely to watch football and drink beer. So what did God do on the 8th day after all of this hard work? He created fucking uQast motherfucker!

That’s right. Brad Fallon has gone off the deep end so bad he thinks God has created his new product launch. Look gurus, I know you’re all over-confident, over-selling, under-delivering, snake oil salesmen, and that’s OK, but let’s cut the shit. If a god did exist, he would certainly not be doing this kind of shit. I mean, if I were God, I’d be busy spending my time torturing all the pedder-asses that run the Catholic Church who like to molest boys. Isn’t vengeance and wrath much more worthwhile than a guru product launch?

Delusions of Grandeur

Now let’s get into the real bullshit.

The first thing you’ll notice is the video since it autoplays. “You are one of the chosen ones!” Like God handing picking the chosen people during the impending apocalypse, Brad Fallon has chosen you to embark on this journey of the future. The future that will “change internet marketing forever.”

Yes, it must be big and exclusive since you can only get in with a randomly generated invite code that is in infinite supply. Let me just take a wild guess and say that uCast or youQast or whatever won’t change shit. No one will give a fuck. Absolutely no one.

What’s even more ridiculous is the fake cheering and applause in this video. Like a bad sitcom filled with laugh-track, this crock of shit video has an entire fake audience cheering on this clown. Look gurus, I’ve seen some really shitty videos in your marketing efforts, but this one takes the fucking cake. How much of an ego do you have to have to put fake cheering, fake applause, and even a fake stage & curtain into a product launch video? Someone who thinks they are God, that’s fucking who.

Could you imagine if Steve Wagenheim put this kind of frivolous bullshit into one of his videos? (Now you don’t have to)

Really, if you were God, you’d have the omniscience to base a business around a domain name that made sense. You’d secure uCast.com (parked) youCast.com (registered) and others, or not fuck around spelling words incorrectly in the first place. Actually God would just be like “fuck this, I’m taking over u.com and that’s that.”

Dinosaurs and Abe Lincoln Go to Space – Can You Solve the Mystery?

Up until this point, everything is forgivable (now I’m just being nice.) The thing that inspired me to write this post is the background. What the fuck is going on here?

I believe Brad Fallon is secretly trying to tell us something through clues, like The DaDouchbag Code. I’m going to analyze some of this of this puzzle to see if I can put the pieces together.

• The Setting My research has shown that this is not earth. It appears to be some galaxy far, far away where people live in harmony and where people actually like gurus. So much in fact that they are crowned as kings.
• 1. A Brontosaurus Our first clue is a dinosaur. What does a dinosaur have to do with affiliate marketing, you ask? Nothing. But it’s there so fuck you.
• 2. Stonehenge This was actually built on earth so I don’t know how it’s sitting on a giant cloud of gas. This is factually incorrect since structures can only be placed on solid ground. Maybe the gas represents the hot-air that gurus blow out their ass?
• 3. The Great Pyramids Built many, many centuries ago by slaves. Trust me, I’m just as lost as you here.
• 4. The Parthenon Built during Greek antiquity, this building represents the amazing architecture displayed by an ancient people. Contrary to popular belief, Brontosauruses did not eat ancient Greek buildings.
• 5. Abe Motherfuckin’ Lincoln He went to war for equality amongst all men. Also seen on the $5 dollar bill, which represents the last bit of money people have before falling into a pit of desperation deep enough to warrant buying into a guru sales pitch.
• 6. A Stage coach I guess this represents progress during the American frontier era, when people headed West into the unknown to discover new territory while fighting off Native Americans, bears, and dysentery. But maybe it represents the Oregon Trail game most of us played in grade school?
• 7. Some Old Computer Ok yeah, definitely Oregon Trail because I remember playing it on that very computer.
• 8. Airplane We needed airplanes in the first place because it developed the technology to go into space.
• 9. Man on the Moon Just some dude on the moon.
• 10. Space Shuttle It appears this space shuttle has left the man on the moon by himself. In reality, the Space Shuttles never went to the moon since they are designed to orbit the earth only. I reject your reality, Brad Fallon, and substitute my own (actual reality)

So what does it all mean? I have laid out the clues for you. I would come up with my own hypothesis but I cannot find a dealer who has acid. There’s no way I could even begin here without being heavily ripped out of my mind.

Let’s get Glenn Beck on his ass and connect the dots in meaningless and arbitrary ways. Greece has experienced rioting recently and now Egypt is on the verge of collapse. Do they have anything to do with each other (besides corporate America’s influence on their currencies and governments?) or are we just being led down a path to nowhere? What do dinosaurs have to do with Apple II computers? What about Stonehenge’s connection to Abe Lincoln? I can feel the insanity kicking in already.

Most important of all – What the fuck does any of this have to do with anything?!

You can’t make this shit up.

Was scrolling through the reader today and while I usually blow pasts Volk’s posts, this one caught my attention….

At first I was like, that’s just bad lighting. But upon further inspection, that’s definitely brown paint. Volk you dressed up as black face!

If you’re not familiar with ‘black face,’ its when a white person paints their face black or brown to look like a black person. It’s incredibly racist. My white friend was Tyrone Biggums for Halloween, and even a crackhead has enough sense to know that white people just shouldn’t do that.

Update: Forget everything I said about Volk. Riley Pool is definitely worse