Affilicert What the Fuck is this Shit

:: sigh ::

Sometimes I wonder what goes through a person’s head when they come with a product that they think will change the world, but in reality the idea is dead in the water before it’s even launched.

Do You Want to Be Affiliate Certified? No

Affilicert is an “Affiliate Certification Program.” What the fuck does that mean?

Well, their tagline reads “Don’t Get Rejected by Another Affiliate Network Again!” Apparently, legitimate affiliates have this problem of getting their application denied over and over at affiliate networks because of collateral damage from “fraud.” Yes, affiliates spend most of their time signing up to networks (a 2 minute process) and waiting around for their approval. You know, time spent not building campaigns or anything.

Fraud is rampant in the industry, no doubt, but the chances of a legitimate affiliate getting denied by a network are pretty small. Why? Because most affiliates I know join on a referral, or meet someone at the network before signing up. If you are referred to a network by a friend or acquaintance, generally you will get in if you’re vouched for.

Affilicert attempts to alleviate a problem that can only be considered a minor inconvenience.

So who’s getting denied at networks over and over then? Well, newbie dipshits with no track record, or fraudsters (which is the problem Affilicert is trying to solve in the first place – stop and think about that one long and hard.)

Affilicert – from the makers of Offervault

Affilicert was created by the makers of Offervault. Now, Offervault is a good idea in practice, because it aggregates all the offers from networks and allows you to view and search without signing up to every network.

But if you ever signed up to Offervault to use the service, then you know it is a ruse to get you on a mailing list. And you best believe this mailing list is hit with guru bullshit joint-venture crap from infamous “gurus.”

Once I saw Frank Kern and Howie Schwartz shit in the headlines of the email blasts, I knew I couldn’t take these fools seriously.

Affilicert wants to know more about you than your Government

Here are the list of things Affilicert wants to know about you. This is right off their website so I’m not making this shit up.

* items are required

• *First Name – Fair enough
• *Last Name – OK I can do that
• Business Name – Most non-frauding affiliates will have a legitimate business incorporated, yet your business name isn’t required…
• * Date-of-Birth – Last I checked, affiliate networks do not require this information. How is it relevant?
• *Social Security Number (or corresponding info for international affiliates) – Once again, legitimate affiliates will have a EIN. If you’re running around with your social security number …. well… IDIOT!
• *Email, *Address, *City, *Country, *State, *Zipcode, *Phone – All standard shit…
• Trade Reference 1 Name – I’ll ask Shoemoney to be my reference
• Trade Reference 1 Company – Shoemoney Inc
• Trade Reference 1 Phone – Fuck I don’t know that I only talk to him on AIM- Hey shoemoney can I get your phone number so I can get a random company to call you?
• Trade Reference 1 Email – You gonna put him on a list?
• Trade Reference 2 Name – Hmm… let me think – Nickycakes!
• Trade Reference 2 Company – Eat Cake and Have it Too Media
• Trade Reference 2 phone – Cakes will love this call!
• Trade Reference 2 Email – Yes put him on your list to too!
• Have you purchased any internet marketing courses or coaching programs costing more than $450? – Wait, what the fuck?

  How am I supposed to answer this? If i spent more than $450 on bullshit guru products, does that make a better affiliate, or a worse affiliate? Like only retards spend money on that kind of shit right? So if i answer yes, I am clearly a newb – and if I say no, does that mean I don’t know anything about internet marketing?

  This is the most irrelevant question on an application I’ve ever seen. It’s like filling out an application at Denny’s and right after they ask your address, they go “Have you ever been butt-fucked by a monkey?”

  And what the fuck is up with the random $450 number? Could you have just asked if you spent any money on these programs? What’s your end game … Affilicert? :: shifty eyes::

• Website 1 – ppc.bz
• Website 2 – lazyfatstupidamerican.com
• Niches – OK… so you want to know my niches now? Well since I spent $450 at PPC Coach, my niches are “trends.” I make poll questions about anything in the news and send them to a zip submit, just like everybody else.
• Traffic sources – My niches and my traffic sources? Well, I thought we’d have a little foreplay first, but if you want to get right into it …
• Primary Traffic Source Geography – You want to know my international secretz too?
• Best methods of contact – Telegram!
• List networks currently working with – None! This why I’m signing up here!
• Facebook Profile URL – Because a Facebook profile means you’re legit! If you poke me on Facebook, does that mean I’m affiliate certified?
• LinkedIn Profile URL – LinkedIn fucking blows and if you make me sign up to that shit just to apply I’ll cut your throat!
• Do you participate in any industry forums? – This is a tough one. Will mentioning that I’m a mod on Wickedfire help or hurt my chances? It’s not like I want to an over-achiever on the application or anything

“Here is some of what you can expect for our professional screening”

First off – what makes your screening so professional? Are you wearing latex gloves during it?

Below is right off the Affilicert website – shit you can expect from the good people at Affilicert

• Home or business address verification – If you mean you’re going to check if i live in an actual house or a cardboard box?
• Physical mailing of PIN to credit card billing address – Fair enough
• Google maps verification of surrounding properties – OK what the fuck? Really? You’re going to get on Google Street view and look at the surrounding houses? You won’t let me in if you don’t like my garden’s layout? Will the 2 crackhouses I live next to hurt my chances?
• Business reference check – Call all of my associates so they may make a mockery of me signing up for your stupid bullshit
• Social network ID verifications – Because nothing says legitimate like a Facebook profile. So you’re going to friend me on Facebook? Are you gonna check out my party pics to make sure I’m a real person – or to see if I even have friends?
• Industry questionnaire – Do you like affiliate marketing? Yes. or Very Yes
• And other checks and requirements – I’m curious as to what these are. Based on the questions so far, I think I’m going to have to visit the doctor for a blood test, STD test, and a pap smear just to get Affiliate Certified

The shit Affilicert wants to know about you are things an affiliate manager that you’ve known for years might not even know about you. Affilicert is run by people in the industry who partake in affiliate marketing themselves, and they want to know every fucking thing about you. Can you believe this shit?!

Networks Can Give Away Affiliates!

Here’s where it starts getting really good. Oh you thought I was done? We just getting started here player.

Affilicert issued a press release that you can read on the MediaTrust blog. Here’s a gem:

Networks will be able to look up affiliates by name or ID# to check certification status and will also have access to daily/weekly lists of newly certified affiliates. This list may be used as a prospecting pool from which to recruit new affiliates

If there is one thing the people that work at networks love, it’s giving away their affiliate’s information. You know, one of the hardest things to do at a network is to get and keep good affiliates, but now with Affilicert, you can just give their information away to other networks you compete with each and every day.

And if there is one thing affiliates love, it’s being pitched-to by networks. With Affilicert, an affiliate can now become part of a “pool” (sounds fun) that gets pitched-to by the networks that are part of the Affilicert program.

Quick! Let me clean out my Inbox so I can prepare for this onslaught of email I am about to get myself into.

Get Affilicertified for $49

Still not sold on Affilicert yet? That’s OK because here’s the kicker:

An Affilicert Application costs $49, whether you get accepted or not. How does that sound? You pay about $50 to get your privacy completely raped!

It’s hard to trust people in this industry as it is. Now you can pretty much hand over your life story to some 3rd-party company that nobody has ever heard of, ran by people who you may even compete against, all for the low cost of $49!

Networks Don’t Take Affilicert Seriously

Let’s say you fill out the Affilicert application and get accepted, by the grace of God.

Did you know most bigger, and / or established networks, will laugh in your fucking face if you try this shit with them?

There’s a single thread on Wickedfire about Affilicert. Clearly the original poster is just pushing this horseshit with spam, but there are some gems in from network owners.

I can tell you it wont help you get in Copeac.

Yes, the president of Copeac, Mike Krongel, himself pretty much says “This certification is meaningless to my company.”

I’m not going to be participating, that’s for sure. I don’t want to whore out my affiliates to other networks – nor do I need someone else to handle compliance for me.

Birdman lays down his stance. The funniest part is that EWA is listed as one of the networks that accept Affilicert on the Affilicert homepage.

So come to Birdman with your Affilicert badge and he will drop kick you so fast you’ll be using your Affilicert to stop the bleeding.

I had to dig deep for more material to mock Affilicert – and that lead me to the Warrior Forum. Fortunately, the people on Warrior Forum are actually stupid enough to try Affilicert in the first place, so …. Here’s a thread with a post that makes me smile:

In A word… NO!

I am new to CPA marketing and read all of the info that says how difficult it is to get approved by the networks. However I have applied to 4 different networks so far last week and have been accepted to all of them.

I also received the Afflilicert offer by email and figured it would be well worth 14.95 if they could do what they say. Keyword… if.

I applied and paid them. The next day I got a call from someone that could barely speak English and I could hardly understand him. He asked a few questions that appeared to be totally irrelevant to the process, then we hung up.

Next day I got a “Congratulations, you have been Affilicert Certified!” email. That was easy… or was it?

I logged in and immediately applied to a network that I was considering.

Today I have gotten six emails so far that all say “We are sorry to inform you that your Affilicert Application has been declined. Thank you for for participating in our program.”

I tried to log back in and I can’t? No explanation?

Warrior Forum newbie applies to 4 networks on his own and gets accepted. Warrior Forum newbie applies to 6 networks and gets DENIED. (Or was it one network but got denied 6 times?) Either way, HAHAHAHAHAH!

Final Review of Affilicert

Here are my final thoughts on Affilicert.

Affilicert tries to solve a problem that does not exist. The only people who actually need Affilicert (if it worked) would be the frauds they are trying to stop. Affilicert (assuming it could actually get customers) is nothing more than a glorified data-grab so they can whore you to network after network, and no doubt, spam the shit out of your data with shit (just like the Offervault).

The idiots behind Affilicert thought that coming up with as many “checks” as they could think of would mean that they could be trusted, but in reality it is a unnecessary and ridiculous invasion of privacy.

If you buy Affilicert, kill yourself.

I hope and pray Affilicert fails miserably, which it will.

Final note: Only women get pap smears.

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