Listen You Fucking Failure – My Commission Hijack Review

(If someone could make a mirror of this iit’d be good for internet history)

Click here to get your commissions hijacked

People always share dumb shit like this with me, and everyone haha’s and lol’s. But once in a while there is that shining turd in a pile donkey droppings worth writing about. Commission Hijack is one of them.

Riveting Tales of Rags to Riches

The setting is a serene beach. A master of marketing is laying in his wicker lounge chair enjoying the warm rays of the sun. “Life’s good being a guru,” he thinks to himself. On his left, two ladies model for him in neon bikinis and on his right lay the pile of money and stats.

But he yearns for more. Selling the dream of super easy online money to the internet’s largest collection of dumbshits, blogger moms, possibly pedophiles, butt-ends of most internet marketing jokes and their ilk is just too much easy money!

“I need to do a guru launch. I’ll have to put a unique spin on it because everything has been seen before. What to do? Since I don’t know shit about actual online marketing, the pitch will have to be the product. Sell the sizzle not the steak. I gotta make it easy for the dumb fuckers that buy it too. One button. I definitely gotta make it simple- just push a button and you will profit. Good, but what’s the spin? What’s the angle?

I got it! I’ll just demoralize them so badly they’ll cry while pulling out their wallet.”

And that’s how the thought process goes or so I think.

97% of Affiliates make No Commissions Ever

The Commission Hijack video starts off with someone who sounds like John Oliver, telling it like it is. Tom Tyler channels the power of the great Billy Mays by yelling right in your fucking face. Listen motherfucker! If you’re not paying attention now, i’ll shit down your neck!

YOU ARE A FUCKING FAILURE SO LISTEN TO ME! You bought some make money online product, because the sales page sold you on the easy living. You thought your life as a Digital Point good for nothing shit-elf can end! No more Dollar menu for the family! The key to internet riches is here! You’re just a few mouse clicks away from money-lol’ing all the way to the bank!

Wrong! Even with magic push-button software, 97% of affiliates fail. Nearly every online marketer makes not a single dollar in commissions pitching their products or someone else’s shitty products. How sad is that? But that’s the way they want it to be (“they” being people who are Tom Tyler).

AND WHILE WE’RE YELLING AT EVERYONE- How about people who can’t figure out how to make money online stop calling themselves affiliates? How about once you make more than Nick Throlson dollars a day (its actually an astronomical number), you get a gold sticker or something and can call yourself an affiliate. The bar has been set pretty low. All you have to do is join an affiliate network (which apparently in most circles of scum is rather difficult) and you’re throwing the term around like you got crowned prince?

What’s the Problem? Why do affiliates fail?

The problem is they’re pushing too many buttons. The Commission Hijack system is only about one button- the ON button.

That’s fucking right buddy! The first step is to turn on your computer. All you have to do is figure out how to push the ON button! “Gee Tom, that sounds hard…” “It’s not! Just push the biggest circle thing you can find on your computer box!” Wow, it’s like they’re giving the system away!

No Website. No Work. No Effort.
How would that make you feel?

Well Tom Tyler, that’d make me feel like a damn fool because all this time I have been building websites, working hard, and putting in effort.

It sucks too because I’ve been wasting my life on crap like this:

Yes, forget about Pay Per Click, a multi billion dollar industry that drives the internet. You’re such a fucking failure you couldn’t begin to comprehend what it takes to make any sort of legitimate paid traffic campaign.

Yes, forget about Article Writing because… well… actually, Tom Tyler has a good point. Article marketing sucks dick.

Yes, forget about Site Building! Why build crappy websites that no one sees ever? You’re such a fucking failure that even if your website was good, people would only visit it to feel better about themselves because the site owner is a huge loser.

Yes, forget about jumping through “approval” hoops with CPA or CPV. Really, if you can’t get that part of the game you might be giving up too easily. You should take that kind of determination and use it to give up on life by killing yourself.

Tom Tyler is Sick and Tired of Lying Scheming Gurus

Smoke and mirrors, products that don’t work, yadda yadda yadda. If you can’t understand the hypocrisy of his entire sales pitch, then stop reading and go play in traffic. Moving on.

Juan and the Mystery Island

The best part of the Commission Hijack sales letter is the story of how Tom Tyler found out this magical one-button-only money making technique.

Tom Tyler stumbles upon someone who makes money online. This person’s name is Juan. Basically Tom Tyler begs him for his technique, like most loser beggars do. “Tell me how to make money online already! Its not fair!”

Juan says that the only way he will give up the goods is if Tom Tyler meets him face to face. Tom Tyler’s desperation to make money online is too much to bear, so Tom agrees and spends the next few weeks of his life scraping up $5,000 for a plane ticket.

This kind of pathetic desperation is pretty much the life-blood of the guru market. Tom Tyler tells the story because he wants the reader of his sales page to relate to himself. “Look guy- I was once pathetic like you, but now I’m pushing just one button and I lay on the beach all day. Take the risk! Take the chance that my product might actually do something for you!”

At this point, the similarities between Tom Tyler’s story and some schmuck falling for a Nigerian 419 scam is eerily uncanny. Selling all of your shit, begging and borrowing money, just so you can give it to a complete stranger shows some very sound business sense. You’re a shining beacon for entrepreneurs everywhere, Tom Tyler.

Tom Tyler finally makes it to Juan Island. He is amazed to see, as I would be too, that there’s a bunch of beautiful women lounging around, working on laptops. Surely they must all be Juan’s Secret Army of Sexy Female Bodyguards. That, or sexy female outsourcers. Either way, I just want to thank Tom Tyler for taking this brave journey so he can share the secret of wealth with the rest of the world.

Never Be Scammed Again

So what is Commission Hijack? Since it’s the key to never getting scammed again- I just had to buy it!

To be honest I never buy this shit to review it, I just make fun of them based on the sales letter. But this time I bought because curiosity got the best of me- I just have to know! Plus it leads to a more interesting post.

The first thing I notice is the immediate $197 limited time, “only a few copies left” upsell for an Elite Pro Membership. Damn Tom Tyler, I really thought that pushing just one button was all I needed to live on a secluded island with supermodels that I outsource the work to. What the fuck? Now I need to upgrade to Elite Pro to get that guru money? The upsell sales page says “Up to 367% More Profits.” Damn, a 367% increase in Nick Throlson dollars a day would be a good chunk of coin…. tempting Tom Tyler. Tempting indeed.

I’m going to pass for now and continue on to the product. But I did scroll through the whole thing and the “No thanks” button says “No thanks Tom, I don’t want to kill the day job…” Wow dickhead! You sold me on the one button profits! Now if I don’t push more buttons, I’ll be stuck managing Burger King forever?! Fuck you and your stupid accent.

So I continue on. Now I have to create an account on this login page. Oh wait- it’s not actually an account creation page. It’s actually an email optin that doesn’t require your paypal email or anything, just “an email that you use often.” So I put in my info.

FUCK! Another upsell!

————

A bonus rant on “it makes money”

Before I go on- I should mention that the stuff above probably isn’t new to some people, especially the Clickbankers that do this for a living. Landing page, upsell, optin, upsell, etc- a shit ton of pages before you get to the actual product. It has its uses because people are in “buying mode” so they’ll just keep clicking shit until they’re out a few hundred bucks and new owners of a bunch of resold, rebranded, and rehashed shit they’ll never touch. The technique isn’t breaking news, but I never buy into this shit so it was a refreshing look into the chaos.

And before people start bitching at me, “But it makes money Barman, why are you hating?!”

Listen, it’s a free fucking country so I can hate on whatever I want. Just because something makes money doesn’t mean it’s free from scrutiny. Amway is a massive MLM (multi-level marketing) corporation that “makes money” but that doesn’t mean I approve of their business model. BP increases profits by not investing into safety, thus deep-water drilling is more prone to spills, so that makes money but that doesn’t mean I approve of that business model. Hitler pulled out gold from the teeth of the Jews, but that doesn’t mean I approve of that business model.

So shut the fuck up already with that “it’s making money so stop hating.” Such a fucking bogus argument.

I’m not saying upsells are horrible or evil dumbass. They work lovely, but damn why do I gotta see a dozen of them when I just bought something?
———–

Anyway, back to the Commission Hijack Review.

This next upsell is for (you’ll never guess!) Automated Super Affiliate. Just Automated Super Affiliate. It doesn’t say System or Technique or Plan or anything. Your super affiliate stuff just gets automated don’t even ask questions.

I don’t think this product appeals to me so I’m going to continue to the members area. The text at the bottom of the page reads “I want to skip this one time offer and proceed to the Commission Hijack members area” so I click that.

FUCK ANOTHER FUCKING UPSELL YOU LIMEY FUCK!

This upsell is for the Commission Hijack Platinum Card. It’s only $67 but it will triple your commissions! I’ll only get one chance to see this page so I better read through it.

But you need to take one more step.

I held back because I wanted to see if you were serious about making some REAL money from internet marketing.

I can’t afford to make this offer to a tire-kicker who isn’t hungry and determined to win at all costs.

Wow Tom, you really know how to make me feel like I’m going places. I get it. I’ve spent some money because of the hope that one day I’ll make some money on this internet thing, so while this euphoric feeling is still fresh in my bloodstream, you’re taking advantage. Sure I want to triple my commissions, but my commissions now are zero. I think I’ll pass on this offer, for now.

I scroll to the bottom of the page and click “No thanks, Tom I don’t want Three Times More Commissions…” (Really Tom, in my heart I do, but I’m a poor schlep scraping together his last dollars to buy your product original product)

FUCK!!!! Another page….

Look, I get it…

Times are hard.

You don’t want to risk too much…

I HEAR YOU.

So, let me make this a “no brainer” for you:

You Join This Elite Platinum Club For Just $37

Oh you dirty fucking scumbag. Just give me the fucking shit I bought…

Hijack the Commission Hijack

I finally get to the actual product. Commission Hijack is in my hands and I ready to push one button to watch my Clickbank account grow from $0 to slightly more than $0.

Hopefully Tom Tyler doesn’t get mad that I give away his whole system here, sorry Tom! But it’s only fitting that I let people hijack the hijacking of commissions.

  • 1. Turn on your computer.
  • 2. Get email alerts from Commission Hijack about new product launches.
  • 3. Create Twitter accounts for these products.
  • 4. ….
  • 5. Tell your day job boss to fuck off as you watch the money roll in.

Wow. Twitter. Is that really it? Is that all it takes to be buying a private island in the Southern Hemisphere with your own army of sexy female outsources?

Essentially, Tom Tyler is going to email blast all of the idiots dumb enough to buy his product with products they can themselves blast on Twitter. That’s the Commission Hijack system right there. Fucking riveting. If there was ever a time affiliate marketing reeked of multi-level marketing, this is it.

Here’s the screengrab of the actual product. IE Users might have trouble with such a large image. Usually works fine in Firefox. You could download it to your desktop and view it from there too if your browser gives you issues.

Why You Deserve a Life of Misery

Like weight loss product testimonials, these guru products only work for a few people. But a few people is all you need for a 60 minute infomercial. Your results may vary…

This group of individuals that “make it,” usually figure out how to make money online because they’re not fucking dense. OK sure, the guru products suck, but it opens up a world of internet monies for them. They got burnt, learned their lesson, and moved onto bigger and better things. Eventually though, they understand the game and profit from it.

For the rest of you, a lifetime of debt and misery awaits.

That’s the other 99.9%. America’s dumbest. If you buy into guru product launches, then you deserve what you get. You are the fat, lazy, scum of the earth that wants a handout any way they can. Most of your free time is spent watching outrageous bullshit like “Undercover Boss” or standing in line for lottery tickets. Rather than a read a book or improving your self-worth, you choose the path of least resistance. Hard work comes with its rewards, but you’d rather wait for the magic bullet train to take you to the front of the line.

The Clickbank marketplace caters to this stupidity and they profit greatly from it. Shit, most online marketers profit from the world’s stupidity. Let’s not get it twisted, we all do the same slimey shit. I just like making fun of Clickbank guru products the most because the bullshit is just so… out there.

So I want to thank you, dumbasses of the world, for making people who know what they’re doing more money. You keep skipping the Terms and Conditions, and we’ll keep teaching you lessons.

  • You’re right, his voice is fucking atrocious. Makes me want to bbq a 1 eyed kitten.

  • LOLZ people actually buy that stuff? I’d just ask for a refund so how do people like him make money?

    Theres actually people who dont get the refund ? lol

    • omy breast

      Fuck me Dino number 2.

      You’re slacking my son.

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  • Lee

    Damn Barman, I was just gonna put out the $47 + 1k in upsells today too. Thanks for saving me a life of misery and getting beaten down by a faceless man with a fake accent…lol

    Srsly, this stuff makes me rofl all day long. Thanks for a nice giggle.

  • Fucking Epic! Laughing my ass off. Enjoyed the “review”.

  • bhd
  • J

    Everytime I come here I have to click the Like a Boss button 10 times.

  • Barman, why did you get the product in the first place? Were you hooked by the pitch lol?

  • ace

    tldr fcuk man

  • BRYAN YOUNGBUTT

    GO SUCK A FAT FUCKING DICK BARMAN! WHY DID YOU SPEND 2 FUCKING HOURS TO WRITE THIS FUCKING POST THAT NO ONE WILL FUCKING READ YOU FUCKING POS FUCKING SELLOUT!

  • Wagenheim

    Thank you for the great review! I will definitely buy this product!

  • favorite parts were:

    Digital Point good for nothing shit-elf

    and

    like most loser beggars do.

  • Never gets old. The Like A Boss button I mean.

  • Brandon

    bahahahaha… wow. just wow.

    I’m surprised he was able to scrape enough shit off of the back of his toilet seat to shovel into the mouths of the people he would call customers.

    the most entertaining affiliate blog on the internet. thx the lulz b.

  • laughin’ my ass off…but WTF is the bikini chick lookin at on her laptop???

  • I totally agree with nearly everything that you have said. Your comments and observations about Commission Hijack, and all other such scams are nothing less that right and true. As you believe in everyone’s right to free speech, the only observation that I would make, however, regarding the people who fall for these things, is that it’s always easy to judge from a position of comfort, and it is usually fools who do. There are a lot of people out there in the real world, who, for whatever reasons, and many are just plain unfortunate, are desperate enough, often for no fault of their own, to NEED to get out of the hell that they are in financially. Many are simply trying to make a better life for themselves and their family and don’t know any different. Its a shame that you don’t have the humility to realise that, but then again, unless you have been there, which you clearly have not, how would you be wise enough to know. Your obvious intellect and great use of your writing skills was seriously undermined by that one simply act of arrogance, which was a real shame, because you destroyed your own argument by doing so. Regardless, I liked most of what you wrote and whole heartedly agree. Maybe, if you really believe what you wrote about the scam artists out there you might like to set something up that IS genuine that WOULD help people. You may of course simply enjoy shouting at the wind, because the likes of Tom Tyler are British pond life who don’t care about our opinions or they would be doing an honest day’s work. By the way his voice which you criticise is a very low class british voice and he clearly does not have the benefit of a good education which is why he has to con, lie, cheat and deceive people I suspect. He and people like him make me ashamed to be British. Actually, he makes me ashamed to be part of the human race because he should have been born in another race going on his pond life approach to business. i am sure that his mother is very proud of him?

  • This is great lol. Just push the damn button, it prints 100 dollar bills right out of your disk drive, only 47 dollars.

  • Audio began playing any time I opened this site, so frustrating!

  • Scott

    Funny thing is I promoted this and it’s killing it – over $2 EPC. Gotta love dumb Americans. :)

    • Hey Scott…I guess that makes you as big a dirtbag as the people selling it.

  • lol some people never learn
    http://commissionhijack.com/images/

  • I also did a shining review of this steaming pile of dog-vomit. I want to commend you for such a kick ass review man. If we keep this shit up together….we might be able to put an end to this crap. But you know what’s really fucking sad? I watched their gravity climb up because people were actually falling for their stupid landing page and that worn out “get the rich guy drunk and then rape him” story. I’ve felt that it’s become my duty to let people know about this crap. Bravo and thanks for the nice review. And here’s mine in case anyone’s curious:

    http://www.redstarmarketing.net

  • Thanks dude,
    i almost gave my money to that sucking shit.

  • I’m black and I could do a better Aussie Accent than that guy….

    Nice post, I normally skim over posts, but this was too funny to stop reading lmao

  • McBean

    Amazing! I want my review copy

  • Mitch

    Ridiculous of course. I would like to figure out how to make a video page formatted like that though. Pretty slick.

  • Sam

    Absolute genius,

    Didn’t think i could ever express how much i hated these people – but now i don’t have to!

    Thanks for clearing up my thoughts.

  • Very entertaining…and is that porn the laptop chick is looking at? I think it is…definitely flesh of some sort.

    • DavidD

      Wow it is porn….go look. It’s a couple queers one sittin on the other. Hum could it be ???

  • Vinay

    Best ever review on PPC.bz lol. Twitter, twitter in the whole world?

    Guess, bout time to turn ourselves into gurus.

  • Fucking brilliant review if only all review sites where like this the “guru`s” would sell fuck all. By the way the prick talking sounds more like an Aussie than a Brit.

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  • Are the buyers of these products dumb for believing the sales letter, are the product creators evil for creating stuff that doesn’t work at all?

    I’d wager there is a perverse co-dependency – Buyers of this shit -unless they ride the short bus- know perfectly well you can’t push a button and get filthy rich. While they are addicted to their present situation, they buy the fake dream sales letter and make sure they fail, so they can rest easy knowing they did all they could – they will try again with all their might, just not with all their heart.

    Well… I ain’t going to deny anyone their dream, so from now on call me Mr. Sandman and send them my way – I’ve got a great product that turns cat shit into diamonds! You just have to squeeze REAL hard.

  • fb

    Someone posted a thread on WaFo asking thoughts on Commission Hijack, when I shared this page word ‘fuck’ on the URL was converted to ‘****’ and the link was brocken ;)

  • I am glad he showed me how to create a Twitter account cause I have been trying to figure out that puzzle for years.

  • Andrew

    Hahahaha, check out this shit: http://commissionoverload.com/ … listen to the auto-play audio that comes up when you go to the page “secret society”… rofl.

  • nice post mate!

    why scam people online? Fake it…but dont SCAM its simple.

  • What was the Name of the Product Again?
    I guess this is what becomes of Un-employed Hobbits!
    This Ranks right up there with 24HourWebCash,Money Ultimate & Auto Click,BendOver…

    one Blonde says, “hey these are deer tracks”, the other blonde says “no those are bear tracks”, and the last Blonde bends down and gets hit by a train.

  • Haha I would have LOVED to have seen your review of StrippedDownProfits with Hayley the ex-stripper who slept with some IM Guru and learnt all his secrets. What a classic.

    • That would have been too funny! But u know that product was really made by a dude. They hired the girl to do the video.

  • OMG!! This is sooooo freaking hilarious I can’t breathe!!! LMAO!

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  • Dave the Thomas

    What an excellent review. I pissed myself laughing. Bout time someone ws completely honest. The colourful (yes americans, colourful has a ‘u’ in it) language was mind blowingly funny. All reviews should be basd on your format.

    Now that, I’d buy.

    Largeones to you and yours. Wicked.